Boundaries

Personal boundaries are guidelines, ideas, limits that we create that let others know what is an acceptable way to treat us and what allows us to feel, safe, heard, seen and cared for.

Boundaries are challenging because we will have learnt our boundaries in childhood, so they start with how healthy our parents were with their self care, and awareness. If you have grown up in a house where voices were raised and it was ok for people to be angry then you may find that you accept too much with regards to others’ and their behaviour. If you witnessed codependency a parent focusing and needing to ensure that others’ needs where more important than their own then you will learn to have fewer, if any boundaries.

Boundaries are what allow us to feel safe within each relationship. Take a moment and just reflect;

where do I hold strong boundaries, relationships, parenting, work, with myself?
what are my boundaries?
how do I feel when someone ignores my boundaries?
how do I let others know what my boundaries are? do I let them know?
where do I need to update my boundaries?
how would it feel if my boundaries were stronger?
do you know why you have set the boundaries you have created?

We can create boundaries in all areas of life…

a. Time ~ do you create time for you and what makes you feel good or do you ignore that?

b. People ~do you say NO to doing things for others or are their needs more important than yours?

c. Relationships ~ do you focus on others’ more than you, do you allow yourself to be drained by helping/supporting others?

d. Work ~ are you ok with standing up for yourself and what you need in the workplace?

If you were to update your boundaries, how would you do that? what would you be creating for you?

We don’t always know what our boundaries are until we are made to face them, until we feel them or the lack of them, until we are presented with the feelings of sad, disappointed, resentment, anger, let down or hurt and then it is for us to learn from the feelings, what we need to support us in the future! What it is that would prevent you from letting people treat us in that way again… you do have the choice, by putting boundaries in place.

You decide what is acceptable and what is not in YOUR life?

Create more boundaries for yourself

Celebrate you & your life!

The journey of life can be so confusing, one minute life is flowing and all is well, we are happy and enjoying the moment, and in a very instant it can all change whether it is a huge trauma, diagnosis, loss, argument, or someone is hurtful, how we feel changes in that instant!

I don’t know about you, but I am not sure I was ever taught how to celebrate life, birthday’s and special occasions, yes, life not really, it was just something you got on with, perhaps even got through! Through my work I have met people who have learnt to survive life, to keep themselves alive, whether through family trauma, abuse, neglect or a life changing mental illness, to sit with, listen to and learn from my clients, is a gift ~ we all have a right, a need to celebrate life, to recognise our journey to be our own cheerleaders…..

If its a mental illness, just getting out of bed can be a massive accomplishment, if you are a workaholic, taking time for you and saying NO to work can be a huge achievement, if procrastination is what you do, actually getting that ‘thing’ done is a big step!

Take a moment and just recognise;

what is something you can celebrate today?
what would you like to celebrate this new month?
what would celebrating you & your journey look like?
how would it feel to stop and appreciate YOU?
if someone where to read your life story to date, what would they say to you to celebrate?

To take time to stop and reflect, to recall the tough times and how you got through them, what you learned from them, is to recognise your life. Life happens and we can just keep going, not ever really recognising the depths of our experiences, the coping mechanisms we have learned to survive, the adaptations we have made to keep on going, the adjustments that have happened that we are or might still be living within.

Stop and notice;

Am I choosing what supports the life I want?
Are the choices I am making allowing me to grow & or celebrate?
Am I stuck within old /adaptive ways that aren’t allowing for me to ‘become?’
What is my next step towards my dream, to celebrate?
What was my last step that took me closer to the real me, dream?

We never know what tomorrow may bring, so to truly celebrate life, recognise today, all that you are, all that you have created, allow yourself a moment or two to really honour, appreciate and celebrate YOU!

Life is happening here, now, not there!

Destination addiction, is the idea that happiness is, calm is, life is in the future ~ when I am on holiday I will relax, when I earn £$£ life will be easier, when I have more time I will relax, when the summer is here life will be better, when the kids are older….. you can see that the theme is, when you reach a destination, life will feel different! The problem with this way of thinking is you are chasing the feeling you want, not creating it, you are distorting the here and now by believing and investing more in the future.

How do we create happiness, calm, ease or whatever the feeling we want is, in the now?

Let’s take time to reflect;

what is it you want in your life?
what do you believe will create that for you?
what is the first step to invite this feeling in?
how can you add this to your day, week and/or month?
do you need to tell people to ensure you do it?
how will you know when you have created it?
how will this enhance you and your life?

For me it has always been to create calm, however I took on more clients and continued to support my family doing more of what they wanted!!! In order to change, I started to limit my clients, start my working day later, add yoga to the mix, walk by the sea more and commit to my ‘wellbeing’ ~ I have created a calmer life and it feels healthier and it is now a lifestyle and daily choice!

When we are chasing a feeling we are not present in our lives, sometimes life can feel too overwhelming, being present can be sad, hard and mentally/emotionally difficult, in these moments getting lost in fantasises is a great escape however putting your life in the future creates more of what you have…so practise being more HERE… practise staying where you are and witnessing your thoughts and then you can start the process of changing them to support you!

Notice, what you are saying to yourself with regards to the future, come back to this moment and ask yourself;

a) how am I thinking? is it helping me to be present, here and now?

b) how am I feeling? am I ok? it is ok not to be ok? if I accept how I feel how will that be?

c) how is my body? physically how am I? what do I need to feel ok?

When we are present we connect into this moment and that allows us to be aware, to create new habits, to act upon our feelings, our life and choose to make changes.

When we are living for the future, we are fast forwarding through life and missing it, imagine trying to watch a film but having it on fast forward to get to the end you miss the content, imagine reading the last chapter of a book, watching the the last 10 minutes of the game, race or match?

When you are living for the destination you are skipping the actions of the results you want and missing the here and now!

When we trust the process, we recognise that in order to create something there are stages to it, and if we are present with the stages, the journey is the gift, not the arrival. Reading a book isn’t just to get to the end, but to enjoy the story, the same with a film, life is a journey and the process is to allow each step to be as important as where ever it is you are going.

Give yourself permission to be present in the gift of your life and notice how the presence and awareness allows you to FEEL different in your life.

When you recognise the steps of the journey, your path through life feels more, has a deeper, richer texture and you will feel more, more you, more life, more gratitude and more presence!

Thinking, overthinking & thoughts

Our thoughts determine the quality of our mental health, our physical wellbeing and our emotional life.

Our thoughts therefore play a different but as important role as our heart, the engine of our physical health and our mind the engine of our mental life.

How do you think, best case or worst case thinker? fantasises or catastrophes?

We have all been taught unconsciously how to think, we have learned from our parents, who learned from their parents, school plays a role, peers plays a role and then as we grow we get to choose our opinions based on our beliefs and thinking. The life we live is determined by the thoughts we think, so if we expect life to be challenging and hard, it will be, as we believe it to be that way and will even question the good events that occur. If we believe that life is a gift and we are grateful, good will happen and we can create our dreams, then we will and all of this is created from our mind.

Take a moment and ask yourself;

how do I feel about today?
what do I believe I can create in my life?
does my thinking support me?
do I get lost in worst case, catastrophic thinking?
how often do I get lost in daydreaming or fantasy thinking?
do I trust my thoughts to support me?
have I ever questioned how I think?

Your mindset, the way you look at life, the way you think is therefore programmed in as you grow and at this point you are not aware of the programming. However you are now aware which is why you are reading blogs like this, you want change, you want to make changes and they start with your thoughts. They start with practising a growth mindset, to allow yourself to be open to view the world differently, to notice yourself, your reactions, your thoughts and then to question if they work for you or not.

Take a moment;

what is the first thought you would like to change? what would you change it to?
what are a few other thoughts that if you challenged would change you?
explore where in your life it feel most difficult, stuck, challenging?

Rehearse some new thoughts, if that feels too much, look up people that you admire and research how they view the world, how they think about different aspects of life, whether it is a sports hero, business leader, spiritual advisor, writer, artist, scientist, astronaut, fashion designer, whoever inspires you, read about their journey and a few of their interviews!

Your thoughts are the hard drive to your life, in order to create a better life, it requires investing time and reflection as to how you are you and then noticing where that works and where that holds you back.

The happiness, the ease, the calm, the gratitude, the contentment, the success, the health, the comfort, the quality of your life all depends upon YOUR THOUGHTS and the way YOU THINK!!

Stay here…..

You don’t have to have it all worked out.

You don’t have to know what happens next.

You don’t have to run through life.

You don’t have to be ‘doing’ all the time.

You do want to be more present~ here & now!

You do want to ‘feel’ your life all of it.

You do want to create ‘calm’ in each day.

You do want consistency.

You do deserve happiness!

You do want to forgive & heal through the pain.

You do want to grow through life, loss & all that entails.

You do want to have your own back!

You do want to be a priority in your life.

You do want connection to those that matter.

You do want to care about you & your needs.

You do want to make time for you!

You do want to train your mind to be present…. to stay here!

You do want to ‘BE’ more than you do.

You deserve to be the most YOU, you can be!

The maths of your life?

We are all on a journey, our life, this journey has different stages, requires different tools & has different paces to it!

It is for us to find balance daily, to recognise what it is we need to feel ‘well’ to create ‘calm’ to grow through the challenges, the adversity & to immerse in the pleasure!

Due to our moods, daily chores, work, family, finances & the to do list, we can make life a relentless collection of habits. It is therefore vital to take time, make time to stop, reflect, review~ to take away some elements of life & to add others!

To create a life that feels calmer to navigate, that allows us pleasure, ease, leisure, connection, purpose & wellbeing, it is important to invest time in reflection, reorganising, decluttering, rescheduling & planning!

I invite you to take a moment;

1) where does life feel too much?

2) how, what could you take away from the too much?

3) what do you feel you do not get enough of in your life?

4) how could you create more?

5) where is there balance? how have you achieved this?

6) if you were to look back at this chapter in your life, what would you have wanted to do differently? how can you start that now?

7) what is the feeling you want more of in your life~ where? what? who? when do you feel that?

The quality of our life is down to our choices, the decisions we make or don’t make lead us down a certain path~ so keep checking in with yourself, your feelings, your goals & your dreams, check that you are aligning what you are doing with what you want to feel, be and achieve!

Our choices define the quality of how we relate to ourself & the texture, feelings in & of our life…

*The choice to heal past emotional wounds.

*The choice to let go of what no longer serves you.

*The choice to make yourself a priority

*The choice to add more of what makes you feel more you

*The choice to take away the pressure, stress & chaos where you can

*The choice to make the choices

*The choice to be courageous enough to decide to make the steps to act upon the choices you decide….

Do the maths of your life & decide upon the choices that will allow you the quality of life that creates the best YOU!

Your purpose?

To have a purpose is to feel passion or drive, to know a reason, the reasons for your life!

To have a purpose is to feel the experience of your day, your relationships, your life!

To find your purpose is a gift in life, a luxury, it adds the depth, the textures, the colours, the tastes, the dimensions, the answer to why?

You are your purpose…. your life is purpose enough, let’s explore what that might look like!

If you take a moment & just allow yourself to appreciate where you are now in this moment of your life;

What is the lesson in the now?

What are you learning about you?

What are you feeling about this time of your life?

What is your purpose for this season of you?

Sometimes your purpose might be to make a difference to others, family, kids, colleagues & sometimes you are your own purpose~ to look within & find what we need to heal, to grow, to make changes!

Your purpose can be to allow the pain, confusion, overwhelm of life to help you create a more purpose driven life! To make new choices, create a healthier lifestyle, a happier self!

What is your why?

The why can be driven by fear & that’s not fulfilling~ the fear of not enough, the fear of change, the fear of loss, the fear of failure, the fear of comparison!

When your purpose is driven by, self care, respect, curiosity we can trust the process a little~ when it is driven by passion or love we can allow without questioning, like surfing a powerful wave!

Maybe today make time to explore your purpose, to allow space for the why’s the what if’s & invite more purpose into your life!

The culture of social media can create confusion in our purpose, we can lose ourselves in the comparison & then our purpose can become competition or justification of who we think we ‘should’ be~ please know that the pictures you see of someone’s perfect life, holiday, love, achievements & new home~ their purpose is to make that person feel better about themselves, there purpose is not for you to question your purpose!

Your purpose is YOU, how you feel, how you experience you, your life, your relationships & how you relate to your world!

You are your PURPOSE!

Create your default settings…

I have come to realise and appreciate that our default settings, our foundations for our feelings, beliefs and attitudes are not even ours! You know when you get a new phone and the ring sound, the wallpaper and the set up is the ‘factory settings’ well guess what our factory settings are our parents!

Whilst working with a teenager yesterday he came to recognise that his default background feeling was sad, and that he has known this most of his life, so he will do all the he can to find sad, to feel sad and unconsciously create it. Happy feels both alien and uncomfortable!

I wanted then to explore ‘default’ ~” a preselected option adopted when no alternative is specified by the user.”

We cannot select anther option unless we know that our default is a default, so I want you to take a moment and just reflect;

What is the most natural feeling for you?
How do you create this feeling in your life?
What do you think in this ‘mood’?
What feelings would you like to default too?
What do you do in your life that would create this new feeling?

Our primary caregivers have unknowingly programmed within us our default feelings, unless they did the ‘therapeutic work’ to heal their mental and emotional wounds. We will have unconsciously picked them up and lived their defaults, until we do the excavating, the healing and making different choices, living emotionally consciously!

How can you start doing the ‘healing work?’ ~ maybe it is to stop and reflect;

where in your life you hold yourself back?
where you recognise your beliefs work against you?
which habits, your coping mechanisms, no longer work?
what stops you from creating the life you want?
what in your past still haunts you and impacts today?
where do you feel overwhelmed in your life?
where do you not take care of you?
recognise the feelings you avoid by thinking?
taking time to journal, share, therapy, feel, be, do more of what you love, forgive and allow yourself to create more of what supports you!

To live in this moment, consciously and with awareness, is to be really present and to witness ourself, our behaviour and all we continue to do, whether it serves us or not. To take as much responsibility for our wellbeing as we do the ones we love.

I was always led to believe it was selfish to look after me, however I have come to realise that to not look after me well, means I then cannot look after anyone else well. It is our responsibility to role model, as our default, healthy emotional self care, self respect and through this we create self love!

Allow yourself to witness your default feelings, behaviour, attitudes, then you decide whether these work with you to create the life that feels right for you at this time, if they don’t work on changing them!!

Stories or acceptance?

We all have an inner dialogue that narrates our life, most of the time it is unconscious and drives us to act, feel and be a certain way!

It is only when we explore the stories and then accept the feelings underneath that we are able to see where we have distorted our feelings through our thoughts!

The distortions may be a number of beliefs, limiting beliefs, that we picked up in childhood that still run behind who we are… here are a few that I both know and have seen in clients;

Who do you think you are?

I don’t deserve that.

It’s always me that bad things happen to.

Why me?

Life is hard.

People like me never succeed.

I can’t trust myself to …..

It never works out for me.

The world is a scary place.

Dreams don’t come true.

Its not ok to not be ok!

What have I got to be ‘feel down about?’

I am not enough unless….

The stories we tell ourselves dictate the quality of our life & drive us to make the choices we make. If we believe we can’t be happy unless….. we weigh x amount or earn x amount or only wear designer clothes…. we won’t be happy even then, as the stories aren’t happiness, they are a distortion~ happiness is a feeling, of accepting & being where you are!

So many of us have been taught unconsciously that feelings are ‘scary, fearful, difficult and overwhelming’ so we believe that it is better to be busy, tell ourselves a story or give ourselves a reason for why we feel a certain way instead of just acknowledging the feeling.

The thought of a feeling, the story behind the feeling isn’t the feeling…… it is a bit like looking through the tunnel & knowing there is the light at the end but not actually walking through to the light!!

We learn the habit of telling stories to ourselves, of being ultra busy, disconnected & numb until the feelings overwhelm & stop us in our tracks!

It takes courage to accept this moment & be real about how we feel….

When we ACCEPT who we are, where we are, how we are, how we feel & give ourselves permission to feel, to not be ok~ then we ACCEPT ourselves & our emotions & we can make different choices to accept our journey!

I invite you to look at what you can accept today that will allow you to ‘feel’ more you!

Balancing our life…

Our wellbeing depends on the delicate balance between the mind, body and spirit, along with connectedness, our whole self!

It is a daily art form to understand what we need in order to create balance, which in turn allows us wellbeing.

I am constantly learning about the consequences and impact of out of balance, only to have to find the rebalance and then the rewards of balance.

It will be a different journey for each and every one of us as ‘to balance self‘ is a unique journey.

However as much as our journey is unique in essence, there are many elements of out of balance that we will share, to find our balance will depend on what we need as individuals to feel – balance!

I am an introvert who needs more solitude than I have ever recognised until recently and if I get out of balance with this, I feel overwhelmed in life, relationships and with people. I have come to understand that I require a lot of time alone and in nature to rebalance for myself, my family and friends, and to be able to hold space for my clients. I have learnt that each day needs solitude within it and that means that I have really stepped back from being busy and seeing people, it is a hard choice but the rewards to me and my energy are life changing!

I invite you to think about where in your life balance will support you more;

where can life feel too much or not enough?
what could you do to change the above?
what would need to happen to put the changes in place?
how would you feel living those changes?
is the balance within your head space, how you think?
is the balance within your physically, how much energy you have?
is the balance within you emotionally? do you need to share with someone? write a journal? go to therapy?

Life is a journey and it is constantly changing, as are we, so it is important that we stop and take time to reassess our needs, we learn how to best care for ourselves.

In order to create balance we have to know;

* firstly where we feel out of balance!

* secondly how this impacts us and our lives!

*thirdly what we can BEGIN to change.

The changes may start with how you view where you are in life, as you and within the roles you play, parent, partner, worker, lover, colleague, within the family, all of these play a part in the balancing act of life.

We can have an understanding that something is not working but until we act on it and make the changes necessary it is just a thought, a realisation….

It is also important to know what out of balance looks like so we can recognise our path to that place… for me, I get irritable, judgemental, grumpy & reactive, so not easy to be around & not easy to live within!

I know for me most recently, it is recognising the letting go of some of the roles I have played. I had chosen to ignore my needs, my choices & it was not until I had felt out of balance, became aware, that I was then able to choose change and the changes needed for wellbeing, to grow, heal and thrive.

Take a moment, where in your life feels out of balance ~ these are areas, I have reviewed more recently…

Calm vs Busy

Pleasure vs Work

Giving vs Receiving

Connect vs Disconnection

Energised vs Tired

Being vs Doing

Achieving vs Accepting

Slow vs Fast

Holding on vs Letting go

You decide, then you get to create how your life is & in turn how you feel!

Your well being depends on what you invest in YOU!