The Power and Pleasure of Duality

We are living in strange times, where we are in a state of duality ~ April was the first full month of safe@home or lockdown, and it has been different for everyone, even though we are all in the same storm we are all feeling it so very differently. Some people are enjoying the slower pace of life whilst being furloughed and are able to relax, do all that they have meant to have done, missing their loved ones, but finding a new rhythm that is healthier, whereas many others are fearful, stuck, lost, and swinging between the fear of illness, loss, instability, financial scarcity and loneliness. Many others are swinging between the safe@home and lockdown, both ok and also not ok. We are all experiencing new levels of emotions as we are ‘trapped’ within ourselves with less distractions.

One of the biggest awareness’ for me at present is we are alive but every day is measured by how many have died…. broadcast daily, to educate as to how we are managing the virus, but for so many people it spreads, fear, worst case thinking and deep sadness as the numbers rise daily. The duality is that this life is measured through death!

If we are well and healthy we are caught in a limbo of what feels like an unknown new normal, where we are all day by day learning more about how we operate under and within these new conditions.

The duality of this time~

if healthy we are alert to a cough, temperature or signs of illness
physically disconnected whilst more aware of the power and pleasure of connection
alive but so very aware of death
safe at home and lockdown
together with family and disconnected through technology
grateful for so much and yet yearning old ways of living
creating a new normal whilst more aware of old ways of being
evolving and being triggered
healing and feeling the fear
peaceful and in conflict
seeing the goodness and also the greed
feeling content and deep sadness
being ok and not ok

This chapter in our lives can allow us the learning curve to create and accept that duality is part of everyday life.

We can take the time to learn how to honour, hold and balance opposing feelings, views and understandings and learn to be ok with it.

I can be both deeply happy whilst a part of me feels sadness, I can love someone and feel irritated with them, I can feel driven towards a goal and procrastinate, I can feel calm and yet a part of me can feel unsettled, when we accept where we are, then and only then we can change!

We as humans are duality, mind and body, heart and soul, thoughts and feelings, and it is up to us to learn how to balance the differing aspects of ourselves. I believe the biggest lesson for me has been to appreciate thoughts and feelings and honour the power of these both individually and dynamically. I was taught growing up that feelings were a negative, that you were weak, pathetic or too much if you felt life, your emotions, so I learned intellect has more value, however as we know, when you numb out emotions, you disconnect from feelings, so life is achievements, goals and a never ending ‘to do list’ – this will never take you to calm or contentment. Through therapy, my work and curiosity I have the pleasure to honour and feel my feelings, all of them, from the unsettling, scared, sad along through to the happy, joy and ease, making the journey so very different.

To feel is to be present in life, to be connected to all that is happening within and around you.

To think is to allow your mind to create, it is vital to learn the skill of not overthinking or only thinking ~ the power and pleasure of duality.

Give yourself permission to accept yourself, your feelings and your thoughts just as they are and then notice how they change!

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YOU matter!

How we relate to ourself is the basis for all of our relationships, and this stems from how we were related to as a child. We accept that this is what it is until we recognise that some of our relationships, friendships do not serve us to be happy, to be seen or enhance us. Once we can see that some of our relationships are damaging, wounded or toxic then we get to explore why WE have created, or allowed them to be the way. I hear so many people get upset with how people treat them or behave and perhaps what they are not understanding is that they are 50% of any relationship, so unless they change what they accept, how they behave and what they believe they will continue to allow this relationship to be what it is!

Ask yourself;

Which relationships feel healthy?

Which do I have to be on guard in?

Which friendships do I feel accepted, heard and seen?

Which connections feel draining?

What is it about the good connections that feel healthy?

What is it about the hard ones that feel challenging?

Can I recognise any of the traits of the difficult relationships from my childhood?

Many of our connections have reminders of relationships in our childhood, so if a mother was demanding, you may find that you create relationships that feel demanding ~ it is a known feeling, even though you may not like it, it is normal for you.

For us to change the way we relate to others, we have to reflect on how we were related too ~ I know for me it was to be the ‘good girl’ until I could no longer maintain that and needed to rebel! I am aware that in a lot of my old relationships, I felt a responsibility to make it alright, to people please, to ensure that I was more than enough, that stemmed from perhaps never feeling that I was enough just as me ~ so I created relationships that felt like hard work, I often had to hibernate when I felt I had nothing to bring to the table. During my therapy I came to realise that my ‘role’ had been created as a child and I had just maintained what was expected from me!

All relationships begin with;

how you relate to you..

how you treat you..

what you believe you deserve..

what you accept..

what you think of you..

Any relationship you are in , you have created 50% of it, so look around and within and discover what it is that you truly believe you want in each and every connection, then see how and what you may need to change in order to create, healthier boundaries, better communication or whatever it is that will change how you feel!

Remember you can never change anyone else, that is their job, you can change and heal you and that in turn impacts all of your relationships!

Make time for your relationship with YOU!

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Commitment to Wellbeing…

What does wellbeing, mean and feel like to you?

Everyone of us will know wellbeing in a different way and each one of us will have activities, people, places and past times that allow us to create, to feel well!

Tell me, what is it you do to feel well? to feel really alive? to know that life is a gift and you feel grateful for all that is your life?

So many people I love and so many clients tell me that they don’t have time to do what makes them feel well, that to find 5/10 minutes in their day is stressful, reflect what stops you you from wanting to feel the best you can feel when able? other than you?

For me it is the very simple things that enhance my wellbeing, eating well, enough sleep, fresh air, making time to walk as often as possible in nature, time to write, journalling, quiet time, reading, long baths, family time and time with the people who enhance me. When I ensure that I am looking after me, then my life flows more easily, I bring my best self to work and I feel grateful for life even the challenges. It has been a long journey to get here, as life used to be fast, chaotic, full on and it felt like I was racing myself to get to a fantasy finish line, it meant the I felt overwhelmed, disconnected and life could feel relentless. It only takes a few tweaks to start the process and then once you begin to feel the difference, new choices and boundaries feel easier to make.

Take a moment and ask yourself;

How can I make time for me?

What will I do with this time?

How will I feel when I am doing these things for me?

What impact will my wellbeing have on this around me?

What does my wellbeing, look and feel like?

When you decide to make a commitment to your wellbeing, you are making a choice to feel ‘good, alive, healthy and vibrant’ and that you is able to live a more fulfilled, happy and loving life – why wouldn’t you want to create that?

YOUR WELLBEING IS YOUR CHOICE!

Trust ..

As a therapist, one of the most powerful teachings I have learnt is to trust the process, it can also be one of the most frustrating when life feels like it is hurtling out of control.

So what does this mean, to trust the process? Well for me, someone who learnt to try and contain and control the chaos of my life pre-therapy, it has many meanings and many teachings, the most powerful is just to TRUST;

To trust myself

To trust the decisions I make

To trust that I will make mistakes, upset people, have challenging days and that is ok

To trust that even when life feels overwhelming, stressful and too much, it is ok

To trust that change is the most consistent part of life

Take a moment;

Where can you learn to trust yourself more?

What would you be doing if you were trusting more? How would that impact you?

Where do you notice your overthinking, over control or procrastination?

Where can you see that fear drives you?

A lot of my life has been about controlling, controlling my emotions, my thoughts, my words, so in reality controlling who I am, in order that I feel I am enough to fit in, whatever that means. As I grow older and I would like to think wiser, I have come to realise, that when I trust who I am, then my tribe show up, then I spend time with the people who inspire me, who love me for me, who enhance me, life falls into place.

When I trust the events of my life they seem to become the most intricately weaved journey of experiences and lessons, I am able to grow with them, more effortlessly and with gentleness.

To trust has taught me to be kinder to myself and instead of pushing, to relax into and enjoy what is.

When we trust the process, we come to know that we have all we need within us, and that is the gift. We come to trust that each day has magic hidden within, if we just look a little deeper, we learn to trust that we are as exactly where we need to be, to heal, to grow and to become more of our authentic self.

To trust is to be in the here and now of our life and be immersed in the journey.

Life is a gift…

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Each new day is a gift, even though some days it may not feel like it!

Witnessing life and the journey of loved ones illness’ allows us insights into the many facets of the passage of life. I have the luxury of working with all different types of people all who want to ‘feel’ more themselves as they journey through their days. One of the many issues that plagues us as human beings, is love, self-love, self-care, self-awareness… most of us can be really good almost professional at putting ourselves down, making ourselves small, not believing in ourselves, not following our dreams and creating a life that is less that we want to live. This quality of life then creates emotional issues as we are living from fear, from less than, from not enough and these habits ravage us and all that we aim for.

This level of self doubt, fear is akin to the bushfires we are reading about that are destroying Australia…..it destroys us and our dreams, it makes our life smaller and in may ways it traps us in our heads, in our worries, our worst cases, our fears.

As the world unites to support the Australian communities to manage and recover from the fires, is it not time to unite in love, self-love to heal the wounds of being self-critical, of lack of self-worth and of self -doubt?

How would your life be different if you loved yourself more?

What would you be doing if love ruled you each day?

What would you love to add to your life to feel more love?

Where would love change your life?

What do you love to do that you haven’t done for a while?

How do you show love to you?

How do others know you love them?

When, where and with who do you feel loved?

Love is a powerful feeling;

one that unites and heals

one that is compassionate

one that is collaborative and connects ~ where can you share, show & be more LOVE?

When we live from LOVE, life is a gift!

NEW?

There can feel like a lot of pressure to be new, to update ourselves, our expectations, our life, health, habits and all that entails! It is good to be a able to take time to reflect on ourselves, our habits, our behaviours and to be able to choose to grow, heal, make different choices but we don’t have to set ourselves up to do them all at once. A new year, a new decade does not mean a new version of us… it can mean that we choose everyday to be more aware of what no longer serves us to grow and create new ways to thrive!

As I welcome in this new decade I want to be embrace the idea of ‘imperfectly or good enough’ …so being more aware of my choices, my behaviour, more conscious of what I do, how I spend my time, what I eat, say and watch, instead of setting rigid resolutions that feel constrictive and then harmful, I want to be more conscious of self awareness, of my journey through life!

We can use NEW to support us in creating a newer view of our lives, a kinder view of ourselves. Creating a relationship with ourself that is healthier, more compassionate and less critical or dismissive, this is turn will allow us to enter into all of our relationships with a newer insight into being present. When I reflect on my last year, the most poignant moments are with people, the most powerful memories are about connection, so if I am able to learn to connect into myself with more loving awareness then I hope to bring that into all my relationships…..

Small conscious changes make a difference!

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Celebrate you & your life!

The journey of life can be so confusing, one minute life is flowing and all is well, we are happy and enjoying the moment, and in a very instant it can all change whether it is a huge trauma, diagnosis, loss, argument, or someone is hurtful, how we feel changes in that instant!

I don’t know about you, but I am not sure I was ever taught how to celebrate life, birthday’s and special occasions, yes, life not really, it was just something you got on with, perhaps even got through! Through my work I have met people who have learnt to survive life, to keep themselves alive, whether through family trauma, abuse, neglect or a life changing mental illness, to sit with, listen to and learn from my clients, is a gift ~ we all have a right, a need to celebrate life, to recognise our journey to be our own cheerleaders…..

If its a mental illness, just getting out of bed can be a massive accomplishment, if you are a workaholic, taking time for you and saying NO to work can be a huge achievement, if procrastination is what you do, actually getting that ‘thing’ done is a big step!

Take a moment and just recognise;

what is something you can celebrate today?
what would you like to celebrate this new month?
what would celebrating you & your journey look like?
how would it feel to stop and appreciate YOU?
if someone where to read your life story to date, what would they say to you to celebrate?

To take time to stop and reflect, to recall the tough times and how you got through them, what you learned from them, is to recognise your life. Life happens and we can just keep going, not ever really recognising the depths of our experiences, the coping mechanisms we have learned to survive, the adaptations we have made to keep on going, the adjustments that have happened that we are or might still be living within.

Stop and notice;

Am I choosing what supports the life I want?
Are the choices I am making allowing me to grow & or celebrate?
Am I stuck within old /adaptive ways that aren’t allowing for me to ‘become?’
What is my next step towards my dream, to celebrate?
What was my last step that took me closer to the real me, dream?

We never know what tomorrow may bring, so to truly celebrate life, recognise today, all that you are, all that you have created, allow yourself a moment or two to really honour, appreciate and celebrate YOU!

Create your default settings…

I have come to realise and appreciate that our default settings, our foundations for our feelings, beliefs and attitudes are not even ours! You know when you get a new phone and the ring sound, the wallpaper and the set up is the ‘factory settings’ well guess what our factory settings are our parents!

Whilst working with a teenager yesterday he came to recognise that his default background feeling was sad, and that he has known this most of his life, so he will do all the he can to find sad, to feel sad and unconsciously create it. Happy feels both alien and uncomfortable!

I wanted then to explore ‘default’ ~” a preselected option adopted when no alternative is specified by the user.”

We cannot select anther option unless we know that our default is a default, so I want you to take a moment and just reflect;

What is the most natural feeling for you?
How do you create this feeling in your life?
What do you think in this ‘mood’?
What feelings would you like to default too?
What do you do in your life that would create this new feeling?

Our primary caregivers have unknowingly programmed within us our default feelings, unless they did the ‘therapeutic work’ to heal their mental and emotional wounds. We will have unconsciously picked them up and lived their defaults, until we do the excavating, the healing and making different choices, living emotionally consciously!

How can you start doing the ‘healing work?’ ~ maybe it is to stop and reflect;

where in your life you hold yourself back?
where you recognise your beliefs work against you?
which habits, your coping mechanisms, no longer work?
what stops you from creating the life you want?
what in your past still haunts you and impacts today?
where do you feel overwhelmed in your life?
where do you not take care of you?
recognise the feelings you avoid by thinking?
taking time to journal, share, therapy, feel, be, do more of what you love, forgive and allow yourself to create more of what supports you!

To live in this moment, consciously and with awareness, is to be really present and to witness ourself, our behaviour and all we continue to do, whether it serves us or not. To take as much responsibility for our wellbeing as we do the ones we love.

I was always led to believe it was selfish to look after me, however I have come to realise that to not look after me well, means I then cannot look after anyone else well. It is our responsibility to role model, as our default, healthy emotional self care, self respect and through this we create self love!

Allow yourself to witness your default feelings, behaviour, attitudes, then you decide whether these work with you to create the life that feels right for you at this time, if they don’t work on changing them!!

Love yourself?

We read a lot about self love and self care and we all know that it plays a pivotal role in our lives, it defines the quality of our relationship with ourself, which in turn sets the tone for our relationships with other.

Self love allows us to make the right choices for us whilst honouring and respecting others but knowing that we have to care for ourselves in order to make our lives work well, in order to THRIVE not just survive!

Where do we learn self love? How we were loved allows us to know, to feel love & that is dependent upon our parents quality of love & self love, so in reality most of us probably need to learn what ‘self love’ looks like on a personal level!

What feels loving to you?

When do you feel most cared for?

What is it you do that allows you to know you matter?

What do you do on a daily basis that says ‘I care about me!’

What could you tweak in your day to make space for you?

When will you start doing this?

If you were only allowed to choose one car to last all of your life, what would you choose? How would you look after it? What would you do to ensure it ran well & was fit for purpose?

Well you are given one body and one incredible brain & what do you do to look after it? ensure it works well for you?

How often do you take extra good care of you?

Do you sit down & reflect on what world make you feel calmer, healthier or more at ease in your life?

Do you know what would allow you to feel more comfortable in your skin, more trusting of your mind?

Please take some time whenever feels right for you & just ask yourself, what would make me feel more me today?

Allow yourself the time to know that self care is the foundation to self love & both mean taking time to ensure you look after you, mind, body & soul!

Rest, to enhance you.

Rest is very necessary ingredient for vitality, for energy, for enthusiasm, for gratitude, for a healthy mind and for a thriving body.

Rest allows you the space to reflect on life, on experiences, on choices, on your feelings and decide how to be with what is happening within your life.

Rest supports you with being able to find that place within yourself that can decompress, take time to step away from people, places and perhaps the speed or maybe the overwhelm.

When we give ourselves permission to slow down, to create time for ourselves away from the noise of life and people, we are unconsciously saying to ourselves…‘you matter!’

In our incredibly fast paced, high achieving, social media posting world, rest doesn’t look dynamic, it perhaps doesn’t get likes or respect or even noticed.

Rest is to reset yourself.

Rest is to switch down a gear, to slow down and feel more.

Rest is to have the space to see the bigger picture and the power in the smaller detail.

Rest is to create time to do ‘less’ and to BE ‘more.’

Rest says I am taking care of myself.

Rest is the ingredient that creates a better quality of life, a richer thought pattern, a more grateful heart and a more aware way of being.

Rest enhances life in so many ways, it adds texture, depth, colour and enables us to live a life of BEING more.

Rest adds emotional wealth to our life!