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Wounds to Wisdom!

We have all been emotionally and mentally wounded in many different ways and at numerous different times throughout our life. Our parents unconsciously started this journey for us, they laid the foundations to our mental and emotional wellbeing, if we were lucky enough, as well as creating the first wounds, the traumas of childhood! They shared with us their wounds unknowingly!

Our journey through life is initially travelled with others’ beliefs, attitudes and emotional understandings, we are rarely aware that these are not our choices, they are what we have learnt through those around us, through our family, our culture, our peers, our education. It is not until we reach certain choices or crisis’, that we can begin to recognise that the old beliefs, that aren’t really ours, no longer serve us.

Self realisation creeps in and we begin to recognise this isn’t the me that I would choose to be, perhaps through being triggered by certain people, events or situations, perhaps through trauma, maybe loss but there is always that moment or those times when you see that you can no longer be this you! Survival mode no longer serves you, the wounds you endured, are bleeding out and you can no longer live from the wound.

Take a moment ~ what are the wounds that drive you?

Explore your beliefs about you ~ not enough? too much? unlovable? why me? why not me? everyone is better than me? I don’t fit it? I am failure? I don’t deserve? no one understands me? I am different? it is always my fault?

As we show up for ourselves, as we own our pain, recognise our wounds, acknowledge the trauma, feel the feelings and really honour how we are, then and only then can we begin the process of healing the wound and finding the wisdom within.

HOW DO WE DO THIS? For me, it is to imagine how I would be with a friend that is sharing all that I am exploring and I connect to me like I would want to with them. I notice the feelings and validate them. I ask questions of myself to recognise what is going on for me. I hold the feelings with respect and feel them, not dismiss or undermine myself. I treat myself like a really precious friend and thereby start the process of healing by honouring how I am and where I am in myself.

The wound was created by someone else BUT the healing is our journey.

It is so easy to stay in the cycle of trigger, hurt, pain, blame, repeat, however when we do this we are not looking for a way through but a way out, at the point of blame we are making someone else responsible for our feelings. We hand over our happiness to others. The greatest teacher is our trigger, THE WOUND, the moment we feel that overreaction, whether it be hurt, pain, anger, frustration we can explore, we can journey inward to feel where it is coming from, what the feelings behind it is…

For me anger is the key to a lot of emotional release, the moment I feel angry I can usually find, hurt, disappointment and feelings of ‘not enough’ lurking somewhere behind. When I allow myself to feel through the anger, the sadness arises and then I begin to let go…. the other choice I used to go with was to feel anger, blame the other person, rage inside, and repeat this never ending cycle, one I had grown up with and was bizarrely comfortable in.

Recalibration for me has been as pivotal as transformation. We can transform, heal our feelings, find the wisdom from within the wound, and then we have to create the new normal from the wisdom and love not from the wound and pain ~ so to recalibrate is to allow a new layer of me to be, to take the old mask off and keep it off!

Your wisdom is unique to you, it is what allows you to be the most authentic you, it is your journey, your healing and your love ~ it is within you if you allow yourself to travel back to you, the real you, the treasure of your truth.

YOUR WOUND TAKES YOU TO YOUR WISDOM……………

Create your default settings…

I have come to realise and appreciate that our default settings, our foundations for our feelings, beliefs and attitudes are not even ours! You know when you get a new phone and the ring sound, the wallpaper and the set up is the ‘factory settings’ well guess what our factory settings are our parents!

Whilst working with a teenager yesterday he came to recognise that his default background feeling was sad, and that he has known this most of his life, so he will do all the he can to find sad, to feel sad and unconsciously create it. Happy feels both alien and uncomfortable!

I wanted then to explore ‘default’ ~” a preselected option adopted when no alternative is specified by the user.”

We cannot select anther option unless we know that our default is a default, so I want you to take a moment and just reflect;

What is the most natural feeling for you?
How do you create this feeling in your life?
What do you think in this ‘mood’?
What feelings would you like to default too?
What do you do in your life that would create this new feeling?

Our primary caregivers have unknowingly programmed within us our default feelings, unless they did the ‘therapeutic work’ to heal their mental and emotional wounds. We will have unconsciously picked them up and lived their defaults, until we do the excavating, the healing and making different choices, living emotionally consciously!

How can you start doing the ‘healing work?’ ~ maybe it is to stop and reflect;

where in your life you hold yourself back?
where you recognise your beliefs work against you?
which habits, your coping mechanisms, no longer work?
what stops you from creating the life you want?
what in your past still haunts you and impacts today?
where do you feel overwhelmed in your life?
where do you not take care of you?
recognise the feelings you avoid by thinking?
taking time to journal, share, therapy, feel, be, do more of what you love, forgive and allow yourself to create more of what supports you!

To live in this moment, consciously and with awareness, is to be really present and to witness ourself, our behaviour and all we continue to do, whether it serves us or not. To take as much responsibility for our wellbeing as we do the ones we love.

I was always led to believe it was selfish to look after me, however I have come to realise that to not look after me well, means I then cannot look after anyone else well. It is our responsibility to role model, as our default, healthy emotional self care, self respect and through this we create self love!

Allow yourself to witness your default feelings, behaviour, attitudes, then you decide whether these work with you to create the life that feels right for you at this time, if they don’t work on changing them!!

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Balancing our life…

Our wellbeing depends on the delicate balance between the mind, body and spirit, along with connectedness, our whole self!

It is a daily art form to understand what we need in order to create balance, which in turn allows us wellbeing.

I am constantly learning about the consequences and impact of out of balance, only to have to find the rebalance and then the rewards of balance.

It will be a different journey for each and every one of us as ‘to balance self‘ is a unique journey.

However as much as our journey is unique in essence, there are many elements of out of balance that we will share, to find our balance will depend on what we need as individuals to feel – balance!

I am an introvert who needs more solitude than I have ever recognised until recently and if I get out of balance with this, I feel overwhelmed in life, relationships and with people. I have come to understand that I require a lot of time alone and in nature to rebalance for myself, my family and friends, and to be able to hold space for my clients. I have learnt that each day needs solitude within it and that means that I have really stepped back from being busy and seeing people, it is a hard choice but the rewards to me and my energy are life changing!

I invite you to think about where in your life balance will support you more;

where can life feel too much or not enough?
what could you do to change the above?
what would need to happen to put the changes in place?
how would you feel living those changes?
is the balance within your head space, how you think?
is the balance within your physically, how much energy you have?
is the balance within you emotionally? do you need to share with someone? write a journal? go to therapy?

Life is a journey and it is constantly changing, as are we, so it is important that we stop and take time to reassess our needs, we learn how to best care for ourselves.

In order to create balance we have to know;

* firstly where we feel out of balance!

* secondly how this impacts us and our lives!

*thirdly what we can BEGIN to change.

The changes may start with how you view where you are in life, as you and within the roles you play, parent, partner, worker, lover, colleague, within the family, all of these play a part in the balancing act of life.

We can have an understanding that something is not working but until we act on it and make the changes necessary it is just a thought, a realisation….

It is also important to know what out of balance looks like so we can recognise our path to that place… for me, I get irritable, judgemental, grumpy & reactive, so not easy to be around & not easy to live within!

I know for me most recently, it is recognising the letting go of some of the roles I have played. I had chosen to ignore my needs, my choices & it was not until I had felt out of balance, became aware, that I was then able to choose change and the changes needed for wellbeing, to grow, heal and thrive.

Take a moment, where in your life feels out of balance ~ these are areas, I have reviewed more recently…

Calm vs Busy

Pleasure vs Work

Giving vs Receiving

Connect vs Disconnection

Energised vs Tired

Being vs Doing

Achieving vs Accepting

Slow vs Fast

Holding on vs Letting go

You decide, then you get to create how your life is & in turn how you feel!

Your well being depends on what you invest in YOU!

Your journey…

All of us experience life in so many different ways, and all of us will go through pain, loss, change, confusion and heartbreak! We will hit crossroads in life and not know which way to go and may feel stuck, we will find ourselves in situations where people who love us also cause us deep hurt that we feel so deeply life can become too hard, sometimes facing the day ahead can be a mountain to climb.

These times are when we have to really feel our feelings and then acknowledge that we need more support, more kindness, more care. Many people hide their feelings not wanting to be a burden, not wanting to share as it can feel too vulnerable. In these emotionally tough times we get to choose to do for ourselves what we would want to do for someone we love deeply. It is at this time that ‘holding space’ for ourselves becomes the most difficult thing to do but would be the most healing!

How do you hold space for yourself? take a moment and reflect upon;

Who allows you to share how you feel and honours it?

Where do you feel ease, calm and safe?

What allows you to connect with the most loving part of you? Is it friends? exercise? music? creativity? getting out in nature? time alone?

When do you feel more comfortable with the uncomfortable feelings?

What would you do for someone you love in your situation?

Do you try to think your way through feelings? Does it really help?

All of us will go through really difficult times in life, we will all at some point feel overwhelmed, lost, uncertain of our future and it is in these times we can ‘grow through,’ we can take the opportunity to look within and become more of who we want to be, allowing us to create more dreams.

We can create opportunities out of the challenges!

Through my work as a therapist I meet people who go through so much pain and as they heal they become more than they ever knew they could be and it is such an honour to witness their journey, their courage and their relationship with themselves!

So, as my therapist would say, I invite you ~ to look at an area of your life now and ask where can you grow to become ‘more’ you…..

Recognise ….

Your expectations, hurt you, so many of us ‘expect‘ life to be a certain way, we have plans of how it ‘should’ be of what we want to happen, of how we expect people to behave, to treat us. It is these expectations that cause the damage, that create unrealistic ideals of life, friendships, family, relationships and goals, we set ourselves up to be let down, hurt, sad and understandably to not appreciate all that we do have, because it is not what we expected!

Many of the times that I have felt hurt in life, I have hurt myself by believing that people would do for me as I would them, but a part of me knew that was a distortion, as if they had not done it before why would they start now! It is for us to acknowledge, our distortions, our fantasies and where they set us up to let us down.

When people behave a certain way, it is not personal to us, even though it might be happening to you acted out on you, it is personal to them, it shows you who they are not who you are. You have choices to acknowledge that they are acting a certain way and either accepting it or not – when you take it personally YOU let it hurt YOU!

Letting go of what we believe ‘should’ happen and actually acknowledging what is happening, is how we find the truth within ourselves, our relationships and how we come to be more present, more authentic within ourselves.

Acceptance of those we care for, love and want in our lives, starts with accepting more of ourselves… acknowledging our patterns of behaviour, our distortions, our expectations and really understanding if they serve us to be happy or hurt us and keep us stuck in pain.

We always have choices, we always have the option to choose to grow and learn, to heal or to be a victim, to others, to circumstances and to life.

I invite you to take a few moments and reflect on;

Where in my life do I have unrealistic expectations?

Which relationships can help me let go of old wounds and heal?

What are my expectations for me?

What can I learn from my expectations?

Moments…

It is the moments that make our life, moments of love, laughter, calm, happiness, appreciation and being appreciated, moments of connection, feeling, touching, holding, seeing, its the moments that make our lives what they are….

It is a skill to notice the moments, a practised skill to be present enough. Take time to get out of thoughts, thinking and overthinking, to stop and really see, find, acknowledge and honour the moments. We can take so much for granted, get in the habit of noticing what is not working, what could go wrong, we can get in to the routine of looking for the ‘what if’s’! We can be taught unconsciously to be unaware of the good, the great and the gifts within us and our lives!

Today I invite you, as my therapist would say, to consciously stop and just become more aware of the moments, the good in your life, the kindness of those around you, the smile from the stranger, the car that lets you in, the person who holds the door open, when you child calls you, a friend that picks up the phone to say hi, to text – you ok?

Ask yourself…

What am I grateful for in my world?

Who makes me feel supported, loved, seen?

Where do I feel calm, happy?

Where do I feel safe?

Which moments really matter to me?

May you find and notice the moments that enrich you and your life…..

Today….

What we choose to do each day creates the life we live, the quality of our choices determine the quality of our life. Surely then we deserve to really think about what we do with our ‘time,’ the most precious currency we have, the one element in life that we never get back!

This moment, as you read this blog, and you are present within yourself is an investment in how you choose to create your ‘today.’

When we take time, make time to read articles, see quotes and reflect, we get to decide what we want to review perhaps change from the information we have read.

What areas of your life ‘feel’ too much, not enough, stressed, overwhelming, draining or really hard work?

Which relationships take from you and ‘feel’ challenging?

What daily things you do, drain you?

Where do you feel put upon?

When we take time to notice what is NOT working for us, then we can start to make choices that work with and for us!

Which people, places, activities support and enhance you?

Which ‘yes’s make life ‘feel‘ good, great and uplifting?

Where would ‘NO’ support you?

So much of what we do and who we are is unconscious, driven from old ways of being, old patterns of behaviour. You decide do you want to keep on doing what you have always done to feel how you have always felt, or do YOU want to make CHANGES!

I invite you today, to pause and notice where, who, what and when do you ‘feel’ good in your day, add more of those ingredients to your life!

Presence, mindfulness & the art of noticing..

To be present is to notice, to be aware of yourself, your surroundings, this moment, your feelings, your thoughts and life as it unfolds. Too many of us are more connected to our phones, social media, our future, what we are not and what we want, that we actually miss THIS moment, we miss the present that sits within us and is the NOW.

We have been taught to look ahead, our future, or to look behind, our regrets and mistakes and in doing so we take the present moment and we lose its gift, its power, the magic in it.

To sit with ourselves and feel all that we are in this moment is to be present with ourselves, to give ourselves the gift of BEING.

Take a moment right now and tune into you…BE more of you.

How do you feel? Mentally – your thoughts? Physically – your body? Emotionally – your feelings?

What can you hear, see, notice about this moment?

What do you feel grateful for?

What do you notice more of?

It can be uncomfortable to sit with ourselves, so if that happens, go back to your breath, become more aware of the ‘magic’ of each inhale, bringing fresh new energy into your body, new opportunity for your life…….. notice the exhale, breathing out old energy, everything that no longer serves you.

Just to notice your breath is to become aware of the gift of life!

When we practise the art of noticing, life becomes more, we create a deeper connection to the moments, we feel more, connect more, appreciate more, the ordinary becomes EXTRAordinary. We live from a place of curiosity, wonder and have the presence to recognise the magic that we are usually too busy, too fast, too lost in thought to see and feel.

We all have that friend who arrives, distracted and perhaps checks their phone or maybe even uses their phone while talking to us, they are clearly not present – how do you feel in their company?

When someone gives us their time and they are fully present, we feel seen, heard, cared for and loved, it is a gift. Maybe give yourself that very same gift!

Take this moment and allow it to be your gift to yourself by becoming more PRESENT!

Connect to your presence……

Appreciate you are…..

Your life is your journey and you get to decide how you acknowledge who you are! Too many people decide upon who they are by defining themselves by what they are not… as a psychotherapist, see I have defined myself, I listen to people share so much about themselves and all too often they skip through the great, the good and their achievements and they define themselves, by what they didn’t get, what they didn’t do, where they aren’t enough. I appreciate that therapy is working through the ‘challenges’ however what I feel and hear is that we can miss the great moments of our lives by focusing on the ‘not enough.’

I know if I asked you to tell me your ‘to do list’ you could probably reel off all the things that you want to achieve, today, tomorrow and maybe this week. However if I asked you what you ‘to be list’ was I think you may have to dig a little deeper to find the answer. Your ‘to be’ is who you are and who you are becoming!

We are programmed to be HUMAN DOINGS to be busy ‘doing life’, whatever that maybe… I wonder how it would feel if we rebalanced more with BEING, BECOMING!

If we start with reflecting upon how far we have come..

If we acknowledge our journey to today..

If we appreciate how we are being..

If we notice what we have become..

If we honour our becoming..

If we feel our transitions and transitioning..

If we value our challenges..

If we witness our growth..

then maybe we can then find layers of gratitude, a new texture to our lives, a deeper relationship with ourselves and that in itself allows for a celebration of who we are and our journey to today!

Today I invite you to pause and just reflect upon your journey to today, who you have become because of your journey!

CELEBRATE THIS YOU!

Your beliefs and thoughts….

Your beliefs shape your thoughts and these in turn start the internal conversation you knowingly or unknowingly have with yourself about every part of your day, your week, your month and in turn your life. Therefore we have a responsibility to be aware of our beliefs and then to ‘notice’ and decide upon our thoughts!

What beliefs do you think run behind your choices?

Maybe take a few minutes and think about an area of your life you would like to create change in, then look within your beliefs, challenge yourself with compassion to see what the old beliefs, thoughts are that no longer serve you might be!

What do you believe about this situation?

What stops you from changing?

What do you believe you can do, can change?

If a miracle were to happen with this situation what would be happening?

How can you start to create new beliefs?

How can you stop dropping into old thought patterns?

We learn our beliefs unconsciously, we pick them up as we grow! These beliefs then create our thought patterns, so all that we choose to do, be, feel and act upon is indirectly led, driven by others, by generations of ancestors…. our mothers’ mothers’ mother, the beliefs unless challenged and changed, may just be tweaked by each generation or not! We inherit more than just the colour of our eyes and hair, we inherit the texture, style and underlying beliefs that shape our lives. Intergenerational!

Once we start to be aware of our beliefs, we can then be ‘mindful’ of our thoughts… say I have been taught to think that ‘life is hard,’ next is to challenge where in my life does it feel easier? what makes it that way? then to look at how I can create more ‘easy’ areas of life…. what would make work easier? what would make home life easier? then to start to put thoughts and actions into place and practise these to find the ‘easier’ or ‘less hard’ in life. It is a process and one that takes daily commitment, awareness and practise. Like any new skill, whether learning a language or an instrument, the more you practise the better you get and the more natural it becomes…

To start the process begin by noticing and watching your thoughts as they underpin everything, they, on top of your beliefs lay the foundations for how you speak to yourself and set up your life!

acknowledge your beliefs about the areas of life you want to change, write them down and reflect, on them.
look at how they could be changed, challenged to become more supportive what you want in your life ~ write down updated beliefs.
become aware of the thoughts that no longer serve you and let them drift by, then create new, updated thoughts that support the new beliefs.

By becoming more aware of what you believe about yourself and your life you change how you think and this in turn is life changing!

Your beliefs and thoughts go hand in hand to shape your life, you decide what YOU believe!