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Your new normal?

Day 80 lockdown, safe@home whatever you choose to call this time, we are all aware that boundaries are being lifted slowly and life is beginning to pick up pace, for some it never slowed down due to jobs, but for many it has been life changing, so what can you carry with you moving forward!

Many people I have spoken to have reflected during this time on their life, on their priorities and how they had created a lifestyle that was full, busy and yet on so many levels empty, rushed and disconnected. Time at home, has had us connect, reconnect and immerse ourselves in the simple values, love, caring, reaching out to help others, taking time to really know how someone is, asking how are you?’ and really wanting to know.

March 23 2020 heralded a new way of living, it started in fear and the unknown, many areas of a previous lifestyle closed down to us. We were put into a form of survival mode, for some it was a relief, for others terrifying but for all of us massive changes were inflicted and we were to some degree powerless! We had choices, but they felt limited and many of us became overwhelmed, so choices felt too far out of reach to touch…

Boundaries are being lifted, we are able to do more, we have access to more, but before we rush back in to the old way of being, are there some questions that may support you evolving from this time;

What have you learnt about you, life, your way of being?
How have you felt during this time?
Are you more aware of your mental and emotional needs?
What has come up for you emotionally and mentally?
Have you enjoyed a slower pace of life?
Have you recognised how busy was a coping mechanism, a distraction for you?
What changes would you like to make?
How could you start to implement them?
What would you need to put these changes in place?
What would you like to ensure you don’t do moving forward?
How can you look after you differently?

Life is a journey and there is no destination we are travelling towards, on some level we are all winging it, aiming to create happiness, calm, content, healthy, safe, to thrive where we can. Every opportunity can allow us to grow, to step out of old survival modes, old coping mechanisms and put in place through conscious living a healthier way to love, to live and when we do this we can in turn make more of a difference to others, we can love more, we can care more, we can feel more and we can be more!

We all have a responsibility to RECALIBRATE to come out of this time a better human being, the earth has regenerated, the skies are clearer, the oceans cleaner, maybe we can grow to be more loving, kinder, more aware and more engaged in making our world a better place for EVERYONE!

The Power and Pleasure of Duality

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We are living in strange times, where we are in a state of duality ~ April was the first full month of safe@home or lockdown, and it has been different for everyone, even though we are all in the same storm we are all feeling it so very differently. Some people are enjoying the slower pace of life whilst being furloughed and are able to relax, do all that they have meant to have done, missing their loved ones, but finding a new rhythm that is healthier, whereas many others are fearful, stuck, lost, and swinging between the fear of illness, loss, instability, financial scarcity and loneliness. Many others are swinging between the safe@home and lockdown, both ok and also not ok. We are all experiencing new levels of emotions as we are ‘trapped’ within ourselves with less distractions.

One of the biggest awareness’ for me at present is we are alive but every day is measured by how many have died…. broadcast daily, to educate as to how we are managing the virus, but for so many people it spreads, fear, worst case thinking and deep sadness as the numbers rise daily. The duality is that this life is measured through death!

If we are well and healthy we are caught in a limbo of what feels like an unknown new normal, where we are all day by day learning more about how we operate under and within these new conditions.

The duality of this time~

if healthy we are alert to a cough, temperature or signs of illness
physically disconnected whilst more aware of the power and pleasure of connection
alive but so very aware of death
safe at home and lockdown
together with family and disconnected through technology
grateful for so much and yet yearning old ways of living
creating a new normal whilst more aware of old ways of being
evolving and being triggered
healing and feeling the fear
peaceful and in conflict
seeing the goodness and also the greed
feeling content and deep sadness
being ok and not ok

This chapter in our lives can allow us the learning curve to create and accept that duality is part of everyday life.

We can take the time to learn how to honour, hold and balance opposing feelings, views and understandings and learn to be ok with it.

I can be both deeply happy whilst a part of me feels sadness, I can love someone and feel irritated with them, I can feel driven towards a goal and procrastinate, I can feel calm and yet a part of me can feel unsettled, when we accept where we are, then and only then we can change!

We as humans are duality, mind and body, heart and soul, thoughts and feelings, and it is up to us to learn how to balance the differing aspects of ourselves. I believe the biggest lesson for me has been to appreciate thoughts and feelings and honour the power of these both individually and dynamically. I was taught growing up that feelings were a negative, that you were weak, pathetic or too much if you felt life, your emotions, so I learned intellect has more value, however as we know, when you numb out emotions, you disconnect from feelings, so life is achievements, goals and a never ending ‘to do list’ – this will never take you to calm or contentment. Through therapy, my work and curiosity I have the pleasure to honour and feel my feelings, all of them, from the unsettling, scared, sad along through to the happy, joy and ease, making the journey so very different.

To feel is to be present in life, to be connected to all that is happening within and around you.

To think is to allow your mind to create, it is vital to learn the skill of not overthinking or only thinking ~ the power and pleasure of duality.

Give yourself permission to accept yourself, your feelings and your thoughts just as they are and then notice how they change!

Life magnified….

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Living through these times, this pandemic, is giving a lot of us, more time, more space and a different pace of life – allowing us insights into ourselves, our lives, our way of being and how we think. Our world is experiencing the same event and and yet we are witnessing different reactions from everyone around us, the leaders, the media and those we love. You may find that you are different at this time! In some aspects life is now in slo-mo and when we watch a clip at this pace, there is more to be seen.

We are watching, witnessing life differently. We are interacting from a new normal a place that can be both unknown and unsettling, as well as slower and more intense or overwhelming;

How are you supporting you at this time?

What are you feeling and how are you managing your feelings?

Are you checking in with you regularly to create balance?

Where do you feel life is magnified? Feelings? No space? Kids at home? Little escape?

What would allow you to be more present in the moment whilst honouring your feelings?

What would allow you to minimise some of the magnifications?

I have noticed with myself and clients that finding a balance in this new normal requires a new awareness, a new way of being. We are with ourselves more, there are less distractions, there is the space to feel many of the feelings, we have made ourselves too busy to feel. Old experiences that we have dealt with, lived through then moved on from maybe re-presenting themselves to be FELT, healed.

This chapter in life is creating the space for old trauma to surface, old feelings to rise up. Allowing us if we choose to, to take the time to reflect on our journey to today.

Do you want your journey out of here to be of a similar nature or will change support you more?

In order to change our lives, we first have to notice what is being magnified and reflect, contemplate, heal and then grow through.

Changes doesn’t happen just because we want it too, change is a process and one that we have to be engaged in and committed too.

There are many ways to support ourselves though this time, being present in this moment allows you to feel but not overthink ~ many people try and think their way through a feeling, which is a bit like trying to think a painting and hoping the thoughts produce a picture on a canvas… a thought allows you a logical insight or it overwhelms you with the “WHAT IF?” scenarios, so allow yourself the gift to be present.

Take a moment now, PAUSE & just be aware;

how does your body feel? what can you hear? what can you see? can you feel your skin and what sits next to it? are you aware of where your feet touch the floor? where in your body is there stillness? what does the skin on your hand feel like? can you feel your heart beat? do you notice your breath?

Being present is to be fully engaged in this moment and when we are, our mind quietens with the narration of ‘busyness, noise, comparisons, worst cases’ we come back to ourself.

We can only live in the now, I know for me, I have come to realise that I daydream a lot, I create magical scenarios in my head that are a lovely escape, but they still take me away from being HERE, so they dilute this moment, and I miss the details, the feelings, the connections because I am living in my head. When I practise being present, living more consciously, life is magnified, so the calm is calmer, the feeling are stronger, I witness myself more deeply, I create a relationship with myself and I am more present.

Do you have that one friend, or maybe a family member, your therapist or colleague where you FEEL heard and through this you know you are seen and acknowledged for being YOU ~ imagine if you gave yourself this gift…if you took the time to magnify how you feel and saw the magnificence of YOU!

A magnified life can allow for change, I wish you the time to practise seeing yourself as you do those you love the most, with magic, awe, respect and deep appreciation.

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YOU matter!

How we relate to ourself is the basis for all of our relationships, and this stems from how we were related to as a child. We accept that this is what it is until we recognise that some of our relationships, friendships do not serve us to be happy, to be seen or enhance us. Once we can see that some of our relationships are damaging, wounded or toxic then we get to explore why WE have created, or allowed them to be the way. I hear so many people get upset with how people treat them or behave and perhaps what they are not understanding is that they are 50% of any relationship, so unless they change what they accept, how they behave and what they believe they will continue to allow this relationship to be what it is!

Ask yourself;

Which relationships feel healthy?

Which do I have to be on guard in?

Which friendships do I feel accepted, heard and seen?

Which connections feel draining?

What is it about the good connections that feel healthy?

What is it about the hard ones that feel challenging?

Can I recognise any of the traits of the difficult relationships from my childhood?

Many of our connections have reminders of relationships in our childhood, so if a mother was demanding, you may find that you create relationships that feel demanding ~ it is a known feeling, even though you may not like it, it is normal for you.

For us to change the way we relate to others, we have to reflect on how we were related too ~ I know for me it was to be the ‘good girl’ until I could no longer maintain that and needed to rebel! I am aware that in a lot of my old relationships, I felt a responsibility to make it alright, to people please, to ensure that I was more than enough, that stemmed from perhaps never feeling that I was enough just as me ~ so I created relationships that felt like hard work, I often had to hibernate when I felt I had nothing to bring to the table. During my therapy I came to realise that my ‘role’ had been created as a child and I had just maintained what was expected from me!

All relationships begin with;

how you relate to you..

how you treat you..

what you believe you deserve..

what you accept..

what you think of you..

Any relationship you are in , you have created 50% of it, so look around and within and discover what it is that you truly believe you want in each and every connection, then see how and what you may need to change in order to create, healthier boundaries, better communication or whatever it is that will change how you feel!

Remember you can never change anyone else, that is their job, you can change and heal you and that in turn impacts all of your relationships!

Make time for your relationship with YOU!

Acceptance!

How different would your life feel if you believed, truly believed that you are enough just as you are?

We are constantly bombarded by media, to want more, to be more, to have more, to be different, slimmer, more toned, more, more more…….all this actually creates is a mindset of NOT ENOUGH!! This mindset is great for the companies that want us to buy their products, as we then believe if I have, buy, do, eat, take, use that product, I will become the person who feels happier with myself ~ as a therapist, woman, mother and human being, I have to come to know that no ONE thing that I purchase brings me contentment and happiness.

What does allow us more presence, happiness and moments of contentment, acceptance ~ acceptance of this moment just as it is, acceptance of who we are, where we are and doing, being exactly as we are.

We have the power to change and make new choices, but unless we accept where we are, we are always chasing the next moment believing it to be the moment that is to be happy!

Learning how to accept is to be present, to acknowledge all that is happening and work with it, to grow through, feel through, be through all that is, even if it is not how you want it or imagine it to be. You always have choices, some days are great, some good, some challenging and some are just days, but they are your days to live, to love and to accept. With acceptance we allow life to feel very different, we are not trying to escape the moment but be with it.

Take a moment and ask yourself;

How can I accept today for all that it is?

What will support me to be more present?

Then notice how your day feels!

Acceptance is a game changer………..

Each new day…

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Every day we can either choose to live in the habits of being ourselves, unconsciously or we can learn how to create the mindset that allows us to live consciously, aware of all that we are and all that we have to be heartfelt grateful for.

Life can be so habitual that we are actually on autopilot, cruise control, we can get so used to being us, that we forget to stop and take stock of how we are who we are, the gift in each day, the luxury that can be found in everyday!

I have witnessed someone I love knowing that each day is not a given, that waking up each day is a luxury, that in itself allows you to really go back to the basics, to find the gift in the present moment. I also have the honour of working with people who find that life can be so overwhelming that the present moment can feel like torture, that their mind can make life feel too much and life can be too hard.

When we, our mind, is able to process life, be present in this moment then we can start the habit of ‘gratitude….recognising what we are able to feel grateful for!’

Take a moment and just ask yourself..

what do I feel grateful for today, now?
who enhances my life?
how can I start to practise gratitude?
what can I do today to honour my life?
what does this moment feel like?
how can I stop more and be aware of all that I have created?

Children are great at teaching us how to feel wonder, how to be in the moment, watch a child puddle jump and find the pleasure in splashing around, or throwing leaves in the air, they stop and really look around, they make life fun.

Allow yourself the pleasure of ‘wonder’ today of looking at the life around you with eyes of gratitude!

We can get so lost in our lives, in our not enough’s, in our unhappiness, in our discontent, that we forget to recognise what we do have, what we are, where life is good, where we are thriving, where we have created pleasure and ease.

As we wander through our lives, our days, our thoughts, we can support ourselves by creating a mindset that allows us to celebrate each day, to recognise the moments that are the gifts, to really make the choices that bring us the present of presence.

We are taught our mindsets unconsciously by our parents, by the world around us, so if you want to find the good in your world, you have to do the work, to create the mind that goes looking for the gift in life. It is no different to wanting to creating a healthy body by eating well and training, you invest time in you…. To find the magic in each day, you have to work on how you think, on what you think, you have to practise the thoughts that support you and acknowledge the ones that do not and let go of them.

I invite you to witness your thoughts…

notice how you think, positive, negative, critical, judgmental?
do you make it hard for yourself by what you think?
what are your first thoughts in the morning and do they set you up for gratitude?
where do your thoughts support you?
where did you learn how to think like this?
what thoughts could you change to make an impact on your day?
starting to day what one thought would enhance you?

YOU decide, YOU practise, YOU create YOUR life!

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Life is happening here, now, not there!

Destination addiction, is the idea that happiness is, calm is, life is in the future ~ when I am on holiday I will relax, when I earn £$£ life will be easier, when I have more time I will relax, when the summer is here life will be better, when the kids are older….. you can see that the theme is, when you reach a destination, life will feel different! The problem with this way of thinking is you are chasing the feeling you want, not creating it, you are distorting the here and now by believing and investing more in the future.

How do we create happiness, calm, ease or whatever the feeling we want is, in the now?

Let’s take time to reflect;

what is it you want in your life?
what do you believe will create that for you?
what is the first step to invite this feeling in?
how can you add this to your day, week and/or month?
do you need to tell people to ensure you do it?
how will you know when you have created it?
how will this enhance you and your life?

For me it has always been to create calm, however I took on more clients and continued to support my family doing more of what they wanted!!! In order to change, I started to limit my clients, start my working day later, add yoga to the mix, walk by the sea more and commit to my ‘wellbeing’ ~ I have created a calmer life and it feels healthier and it is now a lifestyle and daily choice!

When we are chasing a feeling we are not present in our lives, sometimes life can feel too overwhelming, being present can be sad, hard and mentally/emotionally difficult, in these moments getting lost in fantasises is a great escape however putting your life in the future creates more of what you have…so practise being more HERE… practise staying where you are and witnessing your thoughts and then you can start the process of changing them to support you!

Notice, what you are saying to yourself with regards to the future, come back to this moment and ask yourself;

a) how am I thinking? is it helping me to be present, here and now?

b) how am I feeling? am I ok? it is ok not to be ok? if I accept how I feel how will that be?

c) how is my body? physically how am I? what do I need to feel ok?

When we are present we connect into this moment and that allows us to be aware, to create new habits, to act upon our feelings, our life and choose to make changes.

When we are living for the future, we are fast forwarding through life and missing it, imagine trying to watch a film but having it on fast forward to get to the end you miss the content, imagine reading the last chapter of a book, watching the the last 10 minutes of the game, race or match?

When you are living for the destination you are skipping the actions of the results you want and missing the here and now!

When we trust the process, we recognise that in order to create something there are stages to it, and if we are present with the stages, the journey is the gift, not the arrival. Reading a book isn’t just to get to the end, but to enjoy the story, the same with a film, life is a journey and the process is to allow each step to be as important as where ever it is you are going.

Give yourself permission to be present in the gift of your life and notice how the presence and awareness allows you to FEEL different in your life.

When you recognise the steps of the journey, your path through life feels more, has a deeper, richer texture and you will feel more, more you, more life, more gratitude and more presence!

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Thinking, overthinking & thoughts

Our thoughts determine the quality of our mental health, our physical wellbeing and our emotional life.

Our thoughts therefore play a different but as important role as our heart, the engine of our physical health and our mind the engine of our mental life.

How do you think, best case or worst case thinker? fantasises or catastrophes?

We have all been taught unconsciously how to think, we have learned from our parents, who learned from their parents, school plays a role, peers plays a role and then as we grow we get to choose our opinions based on our beliefs and thinking. The life we live is determined by the thoughts we think, so if we expect life to be challenging and hard, it will be, as we believe it to be that way and will even question the good events that occur. If we believe that life is a gift and we are grateful, good will happen and we can create our dreams, then we will and all of this is created from our mind.

Take a moment and ask yourself;

how do I feel about today?
what do I believe I can create in my life?
does my thinking support me?
do I get lost in worst case, catastrophic thinking?
how often do I get lost in daydreaming or fantasy thinking?
do I trust my thoughts to support me?
have I ever questioned how I think?

Your mindset, the way you look at life, the way you think is therefore programmed in as you grow and at this point you are not aware of the programming. However you are now aware which is why you are reading blogs like this, you want change, you want to make changes and they start with your thoughts. They start with practising a growth mindset, to allow yourself to be open to view the world differently, to notice yourself, your reactions, your thoughts and then to question if they work for you or not.

Take a moment;

what is the first thought you would like to change? what would you change it to?
what are a few other thoughts that if you challenged would change you?
explore where in your life it feel most difficult, stuck, challenging?

Rehearse some new thoughts, if that feels too much, look up people that you admire and research how they view the world, how they think about different aspects of life, whether it is a sports hero, business leader, spiritual advisor, writer, artist, scientist, astronaut, fashion designer, whoever inspires you, read about their journey and a few of their interviews!

Your thoughts are the hard drive to your life, in order to create a better life, it requires investing time and reflection as to how you are you and then noticing where that works and where that holds you back.

The happiness, the ease, the calm, the gratitude, the contentment, the success, the health, the comfort, the quality of your life all depends upon YOUR THOUGHTS and the way YOU THINK!!

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Stay here…..

You don’t have to have it all worked out.

You don’t have to know what happens next.

You don’t have to run through life.

You don’t have to be ‘doing’ all the time.

You do want to be more present~ here & now!

You do want to ‘feel’ your life all of it.

You do want to create ‘calm’ in each day.

You do want consistency.

You do deserve happiness!

You do want to forgive & heal through the pain.

You do want to grow through life, loss & all that entails.

You do want to have your own back!

You do want to be a priority in your life.

You do want connection to those that matter.

You do want to care about you & your needs.

You do want to make time for you!

You do want to train your mind to be present…. to stay here!

You do want to ‘BE’ more than you do.

You deserve to be the most YOU, you can be!

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Balancing our life…

Our wellbeing depends on the delicate balance between the mind, body and spirit, along with connectedness, our whole self!

It is a daily art form to understand what we need in order to create balance, which in turn allows us wellbeing.

I am constantly learning about the consequences and impact of out of balance, only to have to find the rebalance and then the rewards of balance.

It will be a different journey for each and every one of us as ‘to balance self‘ is a unique journey.

However as much as our journey is unique in essence, there are many elements of out of balance that we will share, to find our balance will depend on what we need as individuals to feel – balance!

I am an introvert who needs more solitude than I have ever recognised until recently and if I get out of balance with this, I feel overwhelmed in life, relationships and with people. I have come to understand that I require a lot of time alone and in nature to rebalance for myself, my family and friends, and to be able to hold space for my clients. I have learnt that each day needs solitude within it and that means that I have really stepped back from being busy and seeing people, it is a hard choice but the rewards to me and my energy are life changing!

I invite you to think about where in your life balance will support you more;

where can life feel too much or not enough?
what could you do to change the above?
what would need to happen to put the changes in place?
how would you feel living those changes?
is the balance within your head space, how you think?
is the balance within your physically, how much energy you have?
is the balance within you emotionally? do you need to share with someone? write a journal? go to therapy?

Life is a journey and it is constantly changing, as are we, so it is important that we stop and take time to reassess our needs, we learn how to best care for ourselves.

In order to create balance we have to know;

* firstly where we feel out of balance!

* secondly how this impacts us and our lives!

*thirdly what we can BEGIN to change.

The changes may start with how you view where you are in life, as you and within the roles you play, parent, partner, worker, lover, colleague, within the family, all of these play a part in the balancing act of life.

We can have an understanding that something is not working but until we act on it and make the changes necessary it is just a thought, a realisation….

It is also important to know what out of balance looks like so we can recognise our path to that place… for me, I get irritable, judgemental, grumpy & reactive, so not easy to be around & not easy to live within!

I know for me most recently, it is recognising the letting go of some of the roles I have played. I had chosen to ignore my needs, my choices & it was not until I had felt out of balance, became aware, that I was then able to choose change and the changes needed for wellbeing, to grow, heal and thrive.

Take a moment, where in your life feels out of balance ~ these are areas, I have reviewed more recently…

Calm vs Busy

Pleasure vs Work

Giving vs Receiving

Connect vs Disconnection

Energised vs Tired

Being vs Doing

Achieving vs Accepting

Slow vs Fast

Holding on vs Letting go

You decide, then you get to create how your life is & in turn how you feel!

Your well being depends on what you invest in YOU!