Category: self development

Transitions

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How will you transition into this chapter in your life?

What will you choose to do differently?

How will you ensure that some of the realisations you had in lockdown can be implemented in everyday life?

Here we are, life is slowly beginning to reopen in many different ways, we have choices as to how we reinstate our daily lives, we have new awareness’ as to what is important to us, we have new insights as to the value of time, people, health and choices.

Life has been in a state of limbo, if you have continued working it has been in such a different way, and if you were unable to work, then you have had time and space to reflect upon your life, your choices and what you would like to do after lockdown.

It is that time, AFTER, coming out of, changing, now we are in the transition and it is up to you to create the quality of life that works for you, the pace of life that supports you, to see the people that enhance you, to integrate some of what lock down allowed into life. We were living with the background ‘what if’s?’ what if someone I love dies? what if I get it? what if I lose my job? what if I can’t cope? what if ….. the fear of worst case ~ so NOW is the time to create the best case, to allow the pause we have all just experienced to support us to become a better version of ourself!

What have you learnt about you over the last few months?

What do you want to integrate from lockdown to now?

How can you integrate these ideas into your life?

What do you need to make these changes?

What feelings do these changes bring up for you? Can you hold space for yourself as you feel your way through?

Who allows you to talk this through? Who do you feel heard by?

What are you UNLEARNING?

What are you choosing to learn to implement these changes?

Allow yourself all that you need to grow through this time, it is a valuable process and one that will allow you to align more with what makes life feel more authentic to you. Our brains are pattern matching organs, so it will want to restart life where you left it off, however if the last few months teach us nothing then we haven’t allowed ourselves the gift of growth, the choice to change, the chance to CREATE our life to be more of what we want it to be.

If you always do what you have always done you will always get what you always got…

May this transition be one that supports you to become more you and create a life that allows you to THRIVE? YOU DECIDE?

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Your new normal?

Day 80 lockdown, safe@home whatever you choose to call this time, we are all aware that boundaries are being lifted slowly and life is beginning to pick up pace, for some it never slowed down due to jobs, but for many it has been life changing, so what can you carry with you moving forward!

Many people I have spoken to have reflected during this time on their life, on their priorities and how they had created a lifestyle that was full, busy and yet on so many levels empty, rushed and disconnected. Time at home, has had us connect, reconnect and immerse ourselves in the simple values, love, caring, reaching out to help others, taking time to really know how someone is, asking how are you?’ and really wanting to know.

March 23 2020 heralded a new way of living, it started in fear and the unknown, many areas of a previous lifestyle closed down to us. We were put into a form of survival mode, for some it was a relief, for others terrifying but for all of us massive changes were inflicted and we were to some degree powerless! We had choices, but they felt limited and many of us became overwhelmed, so choices felt too far out of reach to touch…

Boundaries are being lifted, we are able to do more, we have access to more, but before we rush back in to the old way of being, are there some questions that may support you evolving from this time;

  • What have you learnt about you, life, your way of being?
  • How have you felt during this time?
  • Are you more aware of your mental and emotional needs?
  • What has come up for you emotionally and mentally?
  • Have you enjoyed a slower pace of life?
  • Have you recognised how busy was a coping mechanism, a distraction for you?
  • What changes would you like to make?
  • How could you start to implement them?
  • What would you need to put these changes in place?
  • What would you like to ensure you don’t do moving forward?
  • How can you look after you differently?

Life is a journey and there is no destination we are travelling towards, on some level we are all winging it, aiming to create happiness, calm, content, healthy, safe, to thrive where we can. Every opportunity can allow us to grow, to step out of old survival modes, old coping mechanisms and put in place through conscious living a healthier way to love, to live and when we do this we can in turn make more of a difference to others, we can love more, we can care more, we can feel more and we can be more!

We all have a responsibility to RECALIBRATE to come out of this time a better human being, the earth has regenerated, the skies are clearer, the oceans cleaner, maybe we can grow to be more loving, kinder, more aware and more engaged in making our world a better place for EVERYONE!

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Wounds to Wisdom!

We have all been emotionally and mentally wounded in many different ways and at numerous different times throughout our life. Our parents unconsciously started this journey for us, they laid the foundations to our mental and emotional wellbeing, if we were lucky enough, as well as creating the first wounds, the traumas of childhood! They shared with us their wounds unknowingly!

Our journey through life is initially travelled with others’ beliefs, attitudes and emotional understandings, we are rarely aware that these are not our choices, they are what we have learnt through those around us, through our family, our culture, our peers, our education. It is not until we reach certain choices or crisis’, that we can begin to recognise that the old beliefs, that aren’t really ours, no longer serve us.

Self realisation creeps in and we begin to recognise this isn’t the me that I would choose to be, perhaps through being triggered by certain people, events or situations, perhaps through trauma, maybe loss but there is always that moment or those times when you see that you can no longer be this you! Survival mode no longer serves you, the wounds you endured, are bleeding out and you can no longer live from the wound.

Take a moment ~ what are the wounds that drive you?

Explore your beliefs about you ~ not enough? too much? unlovable? why me? why not me? everyone is better than me? I don’t fit it? I am failure? I don’t deserve? no one understands me? I am different? it is always my fault?

As we show up for ourselves, as we own our pain, recognise our wounds, acknowledge the trauma, feel the feelings and really honour how we are, then and only then can we begin the process of healing the wound and finding the wisdom within.

HOW DO WE DO THIS? For me, it is to imagine how I would be with a friend that is sharing all that I am exploring and I connect to me like I would want to with them. I notice the feelings and validate them. I ask questions of myself to recognise what is going on for me. I hold the feelings with respect and feel them, not dismiss or undermine myself. I treat myself like a really precious friend and thereby start the process of healing by honouring how I am and where I am in myself.

The wound was created by someone else BUT the healing is our journey.

It is so easy to stay in the cycle of trigger, hurt, pain, blame, repeat, however when we do this we are not looking for a way through but a way out, at the point of blame we are making someone else responsible for our feelings. We hand over our happiness to others. The greatest teacher is our trigger, THE WOUND, the moment we feel that overreaction, whether it be hurt, pain, anger, frustration we can explore, we can journey inward to feel where it is coming from, what the feelings behind it is…

For me anger is the key to a lot of emotional release, the moment I feel angry I can usually find, hurt, disappointment and feelings of ‘not enough’ lurking somewhere behind. When I allow myself to feel through the anger, the sadness arises and then I begin to let go…. the other choice I used to go with was to feel anger, blame the other person, rage inside, and repeat this never ending cycle, one I had grown up with and was bizarrely comfortable in.

Recalibration for me has been as pivotal as transformation. We can transform, heal our feelings, find the wisdom from within the wound, and then we have to create the new normal from the wisdom and love not from the wound and pain ~ so to recalibrate is to allow a new layer of me to be, to take the old mask off and keep it off!

Your wisdom is unique to you, it is what allows you to be the most authentic you, it is your journey, your healing and your love ~ it is within you if you allow yourself to travel back to you, the real you, the treasure of your truth.

YOUR WOUND TAKES YOU TO YOUR WISDOM……………

The Power and Pleasure of Duality

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We are living in strange times, where we are in a state of duality ~ April was the first full month of safe@home or lockdown, and it has been different for everyone, even though we are all in the same storm we are all feeling it so very differently. Some people are enjoying the slower pace of life whilst being furloughed and are able to relax, do all that they have meant to have done, missing their loved ones, but finding a new rhythm that is healthier, whereas many others are fearful, stuck, lost, and swinging between the fear of illness, loss, instability, financial scarcity and loneliness. Many others are swinging between the safe@home and lockdown, both ok and also not ok. We are all experiencing new levels of emotions as we are ‘trapped’ within ourselves with less distractions.

One of the biggest awareness’ for me at present is we are alive but every day is measured by how many have died…. broadcast daily, to educate as to how we are managing the virus, but for so many people it spreads, fear, worst case thinking and deep sadness as the numbers rise daily. The duality is that this life is measured through death!

If we are well and healthy we are caught in a limbo of what feels like an unknown new normal, where we are all day by day learning more about how we operate under and within these new conditions.

The duality of this time~

  • if healthy we are alert to a cough, temperature or signs of illness
  • physically disconnected whilst more aware of the power and pleasure of connection
  • alive but so very aware of death
  • safe at home and lockdown
  • together with family and disconnected through technology
  • grateful for so much and yet yearning old ways of living
  • creating a new normal whilst more aware of old ways of being
  • evolving and being triggered
  • healing and feeling the fear
  • peaceful and in conflict
  • seeing the goodness and also the greed
  • feeling content and deep sadness
  • being ok and not ok

This chapter in our lives can allow us the learning curve to create and accept that duality is part of everyday life.

We can take the time to learn how to honour, hold and balance opposing feelings, views and understandings and learn to be ok with it.

I can be both deeply happy whilst a part of me feels sadness, I can love someone and feel irritated with them, I can feel driven towards a goal and procrastinate, I can feel calm and yet a part of me can feel unsettled, when we accept where we are, then and only then we can change!

We as humans are duality, mind and body, heart and soul, thoughts and feelings, and it is up to us to learn how to balance the differing aspects of ourselves. I believe the biggest lesson for me has been to appreciate thoughts and feelings and honour the power of these both individually and dynamically. I was taught growing up that feelings were a negative, that you were weak, pathetic or too much if you felt life, your emotions, so I learned intellect has more value, however as we know, when you numb out emotions, you disconnect from feelings, so life is achievements, goals and a never ending ‘to do list’ – this will never take you to calm or contentment. Through therapy, my work and curiosity I have the pleasure to honour and feel my feelings, all of them, from the unsettling, scared, sad along through to the happy, joy and ease, making the journey so very different.

To feel is to be present in life, to be connected to all that is happening within and around you.

To think is to allow your mind to create, it is vital to learn the skill of not overthinking or only thinking ~ the power and pleasure of duality.

Give yourself permission to accept yourself, your feelings and your thoughts just as they are and then notice how they change!

Life magnified….

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Living through these times, this pandemic, is giving a lot of us, more time, more space and a different pace of life – allowing us insights into ourselves, our lives, our way of being and how we think. Our world is experiencing the same event and and yet we are witnessing different reactions from everyone around us, the leaders, the media and those we love. You may find that you are different at this time! In some aspects life is now in slo-mo and when we watch a clip at this pace, there is more to be seen.

We are watching, witnessing life differently. We are interacting from a new normal a place that can be both unknown and unsettling, as well as slower and more intense or overwhelming;

How are you supporting you at this time?

What are you feeling and how are you managing your feelings?

Are you checking in with you regularly to create balance?

Where do you feel life is magnified? Feelings? No space? Kids at home? Little escape?

What would allow you to be more present in the moment whilst honouring your feelings?

What would allow you to minimise some of the magnifications?

I have noticed with myself and clients that finding a balance in this new normal requires a new awareness, a new way of being. We are with ourselves more, there are less distractions, there is the space to feel many of the feelings, we have made ourselves too busy to feel. Old experiences that we have dealt with, lived through then moved on from maybe re-presenting themselves to be FELT, healed.

This chapter in life is creating the space for old trauma to surface, old feelings to rise up. Allowing us if we choose to, to take the time to reflect on our journey to today.

Do you want your journey out of here to be of a similar nature or will change support you more?

In order to change our lives, we first have to notice what is being magnified and reflect, contemplate, heal and then grow through.

Changes doesn’t happen just because we want it too, change is a process and one that we have to be engaged in and committed too.

There are many ways to support ourselves though this time, being present in this moment allows you to feel but not overthink ~ many people try and think their way through a feeling, which is a bit like trying to think a painting and hoping the thoughts produce a picture on a canvas… a thought allows you a logical insight or it overwhelms you with the “WHAT IF?” scenarios, so allow yourself the gift to be present.

Take a moment now, PAUSE & just be aware;

how does your body feel? what can you hear? what can you see? can you feel your skin and what sits next to it? are you aware of where your feet touch the floor? where in your body is there stillness? what does the skin on your hand feel like? can you feel your heart beat? do you notice your breath?

Being present is to be fully engaged in this moment and when we are, our mind quietens with the narration of ‘busyness, noise, comparisons, worst cases’ we come back to ourself.

We can only live in the now, I know for me, I have come to realise that I daydream a lot, I create magical scenarios in my head that are a lovely escape, but they still take me away from being HERE, so they dilute this moment, and I miss the details, the feelings, the connections because I am living in my head. When I practise being present, living more consciously, life is magnified, so the calm is calmer, the feeling are stronger, I witness myself more deeply, I create a relationship with myself and I am more present.

Do you have that one friend, or maybe a family member, your therapist or colleague where you FEEL heard and through this you know you are seen and acknowledged for being YOU ~ imagine if you gave yourself this gift…if you took the time to magnify how you feel and saw the magnificence of YOU!

A magnified life can allow for change, I wish you the time to practise seeing yourself as you do those you love the most, with magic, awe, respect and deep appreciation.

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Torn

Why is it that so many of us are fearful of change, of making our life feel different, better, easier, happier, we all know that there are logical steps to changing but the emotions of staying the same are like an anchor that keep us stuck.

Biologically, neuroscience holds the key to this, it is simple, your brain is a pattern matching organ, that creates and works with habit and repetition.

To change requires us to work against ourselves, to put ourself in conflict with ourself!! Therein lies the first step to the challenge of change, we need to create a new thought process and habit in order to allow the change to become a new normal! Our programming needs updating, if we were a phone our software needs an upgrade!

To change asks us to step out of our comfort zone into that place of unknowns, and uncertainty, it requires us to feel ‘fear’ and not to get stuck in worry, overthinking and the ‘what if’s’ then we have to keep on feeling this discomfort, until the new way of being becomes our new normal and a new habit is created. I know for me and those that I work with that sounds simple in theory, the practise is exactly that, to keep practising the new, to keep feeling the fear, to keep taking steps into the unknown and walking through the fear into NEW.

Ask yourself;

What small change would make a difference in my life?

it might be as simple as getting up a little earlier to have time for you, or going to bed earlier, it might be parking the car further away and walking more it could be swapping that glass of wine for a spritzer or just learning to say NO, asking your kids to do more to support you! Take a moment and this about what would support YOU.

How can you plan to implement this change?

what do you need to do to make it happen, is it write a reminder, tell someone, put a post it note somewhere to remind you..think about what would support you to make the change.

When it feels uncomfortable or you find an excuse what can you tell yourself?

I’ve got this! This is for me! This will make a big difference, keep going! Why not now! If nothing changes, nothing changes. Find a phrase, song or quote that supports you!

It takes us to feel the fear and keep going, using courage to keep moving through the discomfort, too often the minute we feel uncomfortable we will distract or just choose to stay stuck!

The quality of your life depends upon how courageous you choose to be!

When you keep walking through the fear, the discomfort, you are creating a new way of being, you are updating yourself, you are choosing to become more you and less the way of your habits, your inherited ways of being.

CHOOSE COURAGE TO BECOME MORE YOU

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YOU matter!

How we relate to ourself is the basis for all of our relationships, and this stems from how we were related to as a child. We accept that this is what it is until we recognise that some of our relationships, friendships do not serve us to be happy, to be seen or enhance us. Once we can see that some of our relationships are damaging, wounded or toxic then we get to explore why WE have created, or allowed them to be the way. I hear so many people get upset with how people treat them or behave and perhaps what they are not understanding is that they are 50% of any relationship, so unless they change what they accept, how they behave and what they believe they will continue to allow this relationship to be what it is!

Ask yourself;

Which relationships feel healthy?

Which do I have to be on guard in?

Which friendships do I feel accepted, heard and seen?

Which connections feel draining?

What is it about the good connections that feel healthy?

What is it about the hard ones that feel challenging?

Can I recognise any of the traits of the difficult relationships from my childhood?

Many of our connections have reminders of relationships in our childhood, so if a mother was demanding, you may find that you create relationships that feel demanding ~ it is a known feeling, even though you may not like it, it is normal for you.

For us to change the way we relate to others, we have to reflect on how we were related too ~ I know for me it was to be the ‘good girl’ until I could no longer maintain that and needed to rebel! I am aware that in a lot of my old relationships, I felt a responsibility to make it alright, to people please, to ensure that I was more than enough, that stemmed from perhaps never feeling that I was enough just as me ~ so I created relationships that felt like hard work, I often had to hibernate when I felt I had nothing to bring to the table. During my therapy I came to realise that my ‘role’ had been created as a child and I had just maintained what was expected from me!

All relationships begin with;

how you relate to you..

how you treat you..

what you believe you deserve..

what you accept..

what you think of you..

Any relationship you are in , you have created 50% of it, so look around and within and discover what it is that you truly believe you want in each and every connection, then see how and what you may need to change in order to create, healthier boundaries, better communication or whatever it is that will change how you feel!

Remember you can never change anyone else, that is their job, you can change and heal you and that in turn impacts all of your relationships!

Make time for your relationship with YOU!

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Change…

‘an act or process through which we become different’

To change is a process and one that requires us to reflect and acknowledge where we are, where we want to be and the unknown journey in-between. Change is the only constant in life, but it actually goes against our neurobiology, our brain is a pattern matching organ, so it wants to repeat patterns. To change we have to work against ourselves, almost create internal conflict, in order to change we are breaking patterns of behaviour and beliefs, that in itself requires us to make it a conscious process.

Take a few minutes and ask yourself;

where would I want to make changes in my life?

what would those changes look like?

what is the first step in creating change? what beliefs hold me back?

what can I do on a daily basis to create the change?

how do I feel about making these changes?

what support do I need to commit to this process?

To create change it is important to know that there will be a lot of feelings that come up, because you are stepping out of your comfort zone and that in itself can feel overwhelming, daunting, scary because it is unknown and that in itself is a challenge for most people.

I am growing through change, it is unsettling to see what comes up. Having just written a book and waiting for it to be published I am aware that I will need to step up and be more visible, that for me is so deeply uncomfortable. My book is all about consciously raising teenagers whilst reparenting ourselves, it is something I am passionate about, growth, healing, mental and emotional wellbeing and yet the thought of standing up, being seen and sharing it, feels like a whole other me…so this evolving me, needs new courage, strength, huge changes along with new updated beliefs in order to be able to market my book, share my knowledge to make a difference.

We all have dreams and no how big or small they maybe, these dreams need us to change to be able to make them come true. It is so easy to tell ourselves all the reasons why things won’t work out, why life is difficult, to ruminate on the challenges and to overthink, all of this is self-sabotage and keeps us stuck. There lies the challenge, the opportunity to sink into the old patterns, the old beliefs all the reasons why not or to rise above, to get uncomfortable, to step in to the fear zone with courage and walk through to the learning zone….

WHAT DO YOU NEED TO BE ABLE TO TAKE THAT STEP INTO THE FEAR ZONE?

What dreams would you like to come true?

Short term ~ the next 6-12 months?

Medium term ~ the next 18-36 months?

Long term ~ 5 years+

Life is a journey and your journey needs you to reflect, invest time and energy in creating what it is you want to live.

Your changes and choices will impact your quality of life!

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Commitment to Wellbeing…

What does wellbeing, mean and feel like to you?

Everyone of us will know wellbeing in a different way and each one of us will have activities, people, places and past times that allow us to create, to feel well!

Tell me, what is it you do to feel well? to feel really alive? to know that life is a gift and you feel grateful for all that is your life?

So many people I love and so many clients tell me that they don’t have time to do what makes them feel well, that to find 5/10 minutes in their day is stressful, reflect what stops you you from wanting to feel the best you can feel when able? other than you?

For me it is the very simple things that enhance my wellbeing, eating well, enough sleep, fresh air, making time to walk as often as possible in nature, time to write, journalling, quiet time, reading, long baths, family time and time with the people who enhance me. When I ensure that I am looking after me, then my life flows more easily, I bring my best self to work and I feel grateful for life even the challenges. It has been a long journey to get here, as life used to be fast, chaotic, full on and it felt like I was racing myself to get to a fantasy finish line, it meant the I felt overwhelmed, disconnected and life could feel relentless. It only takes a few tweaks to start the process and then once you begin to feel the difference, new choices and boundaries feel easier to make.

Take a moment and ask yourself;

How can I make time for me?

What will I do with this time?

How will I feel when I am doing these things for me?

What impact will my wellbeing have on this around me?

What does my wellbeing, look and feel like?

When you decide to make a commitment to your wellbeing, you are making a choice to feel ‘good, alive, healthy and vibrant’ and that you is able to live a more fulfilled, happy and loving life – why wouldn’t you want to create that?

YOUR WELLBEING IS YOUR CHOICE!