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Your new normal?

Day 80 lockdown, safe@home whatever you choose to call this time, we are all aware that boundaries are being lifted slowly and life is beginning to pick up pace, for some it never slowed down due to jobs, but for many it has been life changing, so what can you carry with you moving forward!

Many people I have spoken to have reflected during this time on their life, on their priorities and how they had created a lifestyle that was full, busy and yet on so many levels empty, rushed and disconnected. Time at home, has had us connect, reconnect and immerse ourselves in the simple values, love, caring, reaching out to help others, taking time to really know how someone is, asking how are you?’ and really wanting to know.

March 23 2020 heralded a new way of living, it started in fear and the unknown, many areas of a previous lifestyle closed down to us. We were put into a form of survival mode, for some it was a relief, for others terrifying but for all of us massive changes were inflicted and we were to some degree powerless! We had choices, but they felt limited and many of us became overwhelmed, so choices felt too far out of reach to touch…

Boundaries are being lifted, we are able to do more, we have access to more, but before we rush back in to the old way of being, are there some questions that may support you evolving from this time;

What have you learnt about you, life, your way of being?
How have you felt during this time?
Are you more aware of your mental and emotional needs?
What has come up for you emotionally and mentally?
Have you enjoyed a slower pace of life?
Have you recognised how busy was a coping mechanism, a distraction for you?
What changes would you like to make?
How could you start to implement them?
What would you need to put these changes in place?
What would you like to ensure you don’t do moving forward?
How can you look after you differently?

Life is a journey and there is no destination we are travelling towards, on some level we are all winging it, aiming to create happiness, calm, content, healthy, safe, to thrive where we can. Every opportunity can allow us to grow, to step out of old survival modes, old coping mechanisms and put in place through conscious living a healthier way to love, to live and when we do this we can in turn make more of a difference to others, we can love more, we can care more, we can feel more and we can be more!

We all have a responsibility to RECALIBRATE to come out of this time a better human being, the earth has regenerated, the skies are clearer, the oceans cleaner, maybe we can grow to be more loving, kinder, more aware and more engaged in making our world a better place for EVERYONE!

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Wounds to Wisdom!

We have all been emotionally and mentally wounded in many different ways and at numerous different times throughout our life. Our parents unconsciously started this journey for us, they laid the foundations to our mental and emotional wellbeing, if we were lucky enough, as well as creating the first wounds, the traumas of childhood! They shared with us their wounds unknowingly!

Our journey through life is initially travelled with others’ beliefs, attitudes and emotional understandings, we are rarely aware that these are not our choices, they are what we have learnt through those around us, through our family, our culture, our peers, our education. It is not until we reach certain choices or crisis’, that we can begin to recognise that the old beliefs, that aren’t really ours, no longer serve us.

Self realisation creeps in and we begin to recognise this isn’t the me that I would choose to be, perhaps through being triggered by certain people, events or situations, perhaps through trauma, maybe loss but there is always that moment or those times when you see that you can no longer be this you! Survival mode no longer serves you, the wounds you endured, are bleeding out and you can no longer live from the wound.

Take a moment ~ what are the wounds that drive you?

Explore your beliefs about you ~ not enough? too much? unlovable? why me? why not me? everyone is better than me? I don’t fit it? I am failure? I don’t deserve? no one understands me? I am different? it is always my fault?

As we show up for ourselves, as we own our pain, recognise our wounds, acknowledge the trauma, feel the feelings and really honour how we are, then and only then can we begin the process of healing the wound and finding the wisdom within.

HOW DO WE DO THIS? For me, it is to imagine how I would be with a friend that is sharing all that I am exploring and I connect to me like I would want to with them. I notice the feelings and validate them. I ask questions of myself to recognise what is going on for me. I hold the feelings with respect and feel them, not dismiss or undermine myself. I treat myself like a really precious friend and thereby start the process of healing by honouring how I am and where I am in myself.

The wound was created by someone else BUT the healing is our journey.

It is so easy to stay in the cycle of trigger, hurt, pain, blame, repeat, however when we do this we are not looking for a way through but a way out, at the point of blame we are making someone else responsible for our feelings. We hand over our happiness to others. The greatest teacher is our trigger, THE WOUND, the moment we feel that overreaction, whether it be hurt, pain, anger, frustration we can explore, we can journey inward to feel where it is coming from, what the feelings behind it is…

For me anger is the key to a lot of emotional release, the moment I feel angry I can usually find, hurt, disappointment and feelings of ‘not enough’ lurking somewhere behind. When I allow myself to feel through the anger, the sadness arises and then I begin to let go…. the other choice I used to go with was to feel anger, blame the other person, rage inside, and repeat this never ending cycle, one I had grown up with and was bizarrely comfortable in.

Recalibration for me has been as pivotal as transformation. We can transform, heal our feelings, find the wisdom from within the wound, and then we have to create the new normal from the wisdom and love not from the wound and pain ~ so to recalibrate is to allow a new layer of me to be, to take the old mask off and keep it off!

Your wisdom is unique to you, it is what allows you to be the most authentic you, it is your journey, your healing and your love ~ it is within you if you allow yourself to travel back to you, the real you, the treasure of your truth.

YOUR WOUND TAKES YOU TO YOUR WISDOM……………

The Power and Pleasure of Duality

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We are living in strange times, where we are in a state of duality ~ April was the first full month of safe@home or lockdown, and it has been different for everyone, even though we are all in the same storm we are all feeling it so very differently. Some people are enjoying the slower pace of life whilst being furloughed and are able to relax, do all that they have meant to have done, missing their loved ones, but finding a new rhythm that is healthier, whereas many others are fearful, stuck, lost, and swinging between the fear of illness, loss, instability, financial scarcity and loneliness. Many others are swinging between the safe@home and lockdown, both ok and also not ok. We are all experiencing new levels of emotions as we are ‘trapped’ within ourselves with less distractions.

One of the biggest awareness’ for me at present is we are alive but every day is measured by how many have died…. broadcast daily, to educate as to how we are managing the virus, but for so many people it spreads, fear, worst case thinking and deep sadness as the numbers rise daily. The duality is that this life is measured through death!

If we are well and healthy we are caught in a limbo of what feels like an unknown new normal, where we are all day by day learning more about how we operate under and within these new conditions.

The duality of this time~

if healthy we are alert to a cough, temperature or signs of illness
physically disconnected whilst more aware of the power and pleasure of connection
alive but so very aware of death
safe at home and lockdown
together with family and disconnected through technology
grateful for so much and yet yearning old ways of living
creating a new normal whilst more aware of old ways of being
evolving and being triggered
healing and feeling the fear
peaceful and in conflict
seeing the goodness and also the greed
feeling content and deep sadness
being ok and not ok

This chapter in our lives can allow us the learning curve to create and accept that duality is part of everyday life.

We can take the time to learn how to honour, hold and balance opposing feelings, views and understandings and learn to be ok with it.

I can be both deeply happy whilst a part of me feels sadness, I can love someone and feel irritated with them, I can feel driven towards a goal and procrastinate, I can feel calm and yet a part of me can feel unsettled, when we accept where we are, then and only then we can change!

We as humans are duality, mind and body, heart and soul, thoughts and feelings, and it is up to us to learn how to balance the differing aspects of ourselves. I believe the biggest lesson for me has been to appreciate thoughts and feelings and honour the power of these both individually and dynamically. I was taught growing up that feelings were a negative, that you were weak, pathetic or too much if you felt life, your emotions, so I learned intellect has more value, however as we know, when you numb out emotions, you disconnect from feelings, so life is achievements, goals and a never ending ‘to do list’ – this will never take you to calm or contentment. Through therapy, my work and curiosity I have the pleasure to honour and feel my feelings, all of them, from the unsettling, scared, sad along through to the happy, joy and ease, making the journey so very different.

To feel is to be present in life, to be connected to all that is happening within and around you.

To think is to allow your mind to create, it is vital to learn the skill of not overthinking or only thinking ~ the power and pleasure of duality.

Give yourself permission to accept yourself, your feelings and your thoughts just as they are and then notice how they change!

Emotional lock down?

These are strange times we are living through, times of great uncertainties, times where fear and anxiety is spreading as quickly as the virus, where greed is consuming a lot people and at the same time great kindness is being shared, generosity is flowing through and to people, there is goodness growing in places where selfishness, self-centred and selfies once flourished!

This is a chapter of great change! Initially these changes may feel overwhelming, as we have more space, more time on our hands and in our heads!

Our emotions have the space to rise to the surface, many of us have kept ourselves too busy to feel, too overwhelmed by the speed of life that we have just added to an already busy life with more, imagine someone on a treadmill and the speed is too fast but they keep going. We, most of us, don’t have the capacity to process all of our feelings, so we lock them in, we allow, create an internal emotional lock down, not aware of the cost to ourselves, to our hearts, to our souls!

So many of us have been taught that feelings are scary by not being taught about them, or by being shown to ignore them, eat through, drink through, shop through, gamble through, shut down through, workout through, be busy through…. do anything and everything but FEEL through them, through the sadness, the loss, the pain, the grief, the hurt, the emotions that have been a part of your life!

Now is the time, we have the space and the numerous supports, apps, social media, access to anyone and everyone to help ourselves to feel, to heal, to allow this chapter in our lives to access the locked in and to acknowledge it, to feel it, to process it and then to release it. We have choices and those choices, can once the planet has been healed and the world begins to reopen, allow us to open our hearts more, to feel more to be more connected to live in a new reality, a more heart centred life!

Allow yourself to reflect on your life, on the places where you have been hurt, where you have experienced loss, where life has been changed forever;

How do you feel about this, these times?

How did you help you to heal through these times?

If this was a friend telling you what they had been through, what would you want to do for them? Did you do that for you?

What do you wish you could do differently now?

How can you create healing with regards to how you feel about these times?

What would allow you to release, heal some more of the feelings?

I know for me, and this is my truth, that I always wanted to ensure that no one else felt my pain, so I hid it and made it my job to make it alright for them, then I resented that no-one had helped me, heard me or held me through those times. It is through therapy that I can see that it was never ok for me to be vulnerable so I learnt to lock down, lock in the pain, this is turn meant I also locked in the good feelings, so life happens and I didn’t feel much. It is life changing to feel everything, learning through mindfulness to anchor yourself through the storms of life and surrender, immerse yourself into the joys of life. We are all able to do this if we allow ourselves.

We always have a choice, we can lock down, box up and neglect our feelings until the time they overwhelm us like a tsunami or have us so shut down that we feel nothing, life becomes a relentless to-do list OR we can choose to bravely venture into places in our heart we have never dared go before and gently ease the pain, hold the pain and allow ourselves to find a way through to the other side!

May this time of uncertainty allow you to dive deeper into your heart and mind and create a safe, loving kind centre from which you may thrive!

Here are a few resources that may help to support you through these times, allow you to find what you need to grow through what we are all going through:

Instagram

@the.holistic.psychologist

@heyamberrae

@hey_sigmund

@drchatterjee

@davidrhamiltonphd

@drrebeccaray

@drjoedispenza

@doctorshefali

@monicakade

Along with;

http://www.thedailyom.com

http://www.mindful.org

http://www.medium.com

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Your Power to Choose!

We are in uncertain times where everyday has more news, more worst cases, more uncertainties and understandably we can feel overwhelmed, anxious, fearful. It is at these times in our life that we can grow, we can change, we can allow ourselves to grow through what we go through.

We can CHOOSE how we navigate this time of unknowns, we can choose to change our mindset, to allow ourselves to become more open minded, to see our world and fellow human beings with love and kindness, we can dig deeper and discover new levels of compassion, awareness and understanding or we can do what we have always done.

Too many people I care about live from a place of fear and they then choose to continue to scare themselves by thinking and overthinking worst case, that too is a choice, unless it is a mental health issue and then it requires the right support to manage and heal.

So we have choices in each and every day….

You can decide to stay the same, you can remain as you are or NOT!

You can choose to look at this situation through the lens of love and then learn to navigate through these times from a place of awareness, kindness and more trust!

Each day you can decide what allows you calm and add more of this into your day, anything from meditation, reading a book, a long bath, a walk, or maybe some journalling!

When we choose to respond, we have taken time to allow our mind to appreciate, integrate and understand the situation and decided on a way to manage the experience, we have empowered ourself to find the best way through, the healthiest way!

A reaction is born out of fear, habit and conditioning, it can feel less supportive, life can feel relentless, we can feel stuck!

We have the power to make choices in these times of uncertainty, we have the power to decide to become more of our true self, to become more aware, to heal more, to be kinder, to be more loving, to be flexible and therefore use the changes to change.

WE ALWAYS HAVE A CHOICE, it is for us to discover what our options are and that comes from keeping an open mind and heart………

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Torn

Why is it that so many of us are fearful of change, of making our life feel different, better, easier, happier, we all know that there are logical steps to changing but the emotions of staying the same are like an anchor that keep us stuck.

Biologically, neuroscience holds the key to this, it is simple, your brain is a pattern matching organ, that creates and works with habit and repetition.

To change requires us to work against ourselves, to put ourself in conflict with ourself!! Therein lies the first step to the challenge of change, we need to create a new thought process and habit in order to allow the change to become a new normal! Our programming needs updating, if we were a phone our software needs an upgrade!

To change asks us to step out of our comfort zone into that place of unknowns, and uncertainty, it requires us to feel ‘fear’ and not to get stuck in worry, overthinking and the ‘what if’s’ then we have to keep on feeling this discomfort, until the new way of being becomes our new normal and a new habit is created. I know for me and those that I work with that sounds simple in theory, the practise is exactly that, to keep practising the new, to keep feeling the fear, to keep taking steps into the unknown and walking through the fear into NEW.

Ask yourself;

What small change would make a difference in my life?

it might be as simple as getting up a little earlier to have time for you, or going to bed earlier, it might be parking the car further away and walking more it could be swapping that glass of wine for a spritzer or just learning to say NO, asking your kids to do more to support you! Take a moment and this about what would support YOU.

How can you plan to implement this change?

what do you need to do to make it happen, is it write a reminder, tell someone, put a post it note somewhere to remind you..think about what would support you to make the change.

When it feels uncomfortable or you find an excuse what can you tell yourself?

I’ve got this! This is for me! This will make a big difference, keep going! Why not now! If nothing changes, nothing changes. Find a phrase, song or quote that supports you!

It takes us to feel the fear and keep going, using courage to keep moving through the discomfort, too often the minute we feel uncomfortable we will distract or just choose to stay stuck!

The quality of your life depends upon how courageous you choose to be!

When you keep walking through the fear, the discomfort, you are creating a new way of being, you are updating yourself, you are choosing to become more you and less the way of your habits, your inherited ways of being.

CHOOSE COURAGE TO BECOME MORE YOU

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YOU matter!

How we relate to ourself is the basis for all of our relationships, and this stems from how we were related to as a child. We accept that this is what it is until we recognise that some of our relationships, friendships do not serve us to be happy, to be seen or enhance us. Once we can see that some of our relationships are damaging, wounded or toxic then we get to explore why WE have created, or allowed them to be the way. I hear so many people get upset with how people treat them or behave and perhaps what they are not understanding is that they are 50% of any relationship, so unless they change what they accept, how they behave and what they believe they will continue to allow this relationship to be what it is!

Ask yourself;

Which relationships feel healthy?

Which do I have to be on guard in?

Which friendships do I feel accepted, heard and seen?

Which connections feel draining?

What is it about the good connections that feel healthy?

What is it about the hard ones that feel challenging?

Can I recognise any of the traits of the difficult relationships from my childhood?

Many of our connections have reminders of relationships in our childhood, so if a mother was demanding, you may find that you create relationships that feel demanding ~ it is a known feeling, even though you may not like it, it is normal for you.

For us to change the way we relate to others, we have to reflect on how we were related too ~ I know for me it was to be the ‘good girl’ until I could no longer maintain that and needed to rebel! I am aware that in a lot of my old relationships, I felt a responsibility to make it alright, to people please, to ensure that I was more than enough, that stemmed from perhaps never feeling that I was enough just as me ~ so I created relationships that felt like hard work, I often had to hibernate when I felt I had nothing to bring to the table. During my therapy I came to realise that my ‘role’ had been created as a child and I had just maintained what was expected from me!

All relationships begin with;

how you relate to you..

how you treat you..

what you believe you deserve..

what you accept..

what you think of you..

Any relationship you are in , you have created 50% of it, so look around and within and discover what it is that you truly believe you want in each and every connection, then see how and what you may need to change in order to create, healthier boundaries, better communication or whatever it is that will change how you feel!

Remember you can never change anyone else, that is their job, you can change and heal you and that in turn impacts all of your relationships!

Make time for your relationship with YOU!

Kindness

There is so much stress, anger, fear and comparison in today’s world, we read about it, we see it and we are told the stories, the worst cases, it can feel like there is no escaping it. Growing up, years ago, the world felt like a safer place, we didn’t know what was going on within 2 minutes of it happening so maybe we were allowed to be more innocent and with that comes calmer and perhaps more capacity for kindness.

Technology is life enhancing when used in the right way as is information but like everything when used negatively it can harm, it can hurt, it can create divides and hate – it has to be time for us all to commit to KINDNESS!

What does kind look like to you?

What can you do today for yourself to be kinder? Maybe not judge yourself, maybe be more accepting to yourself? Maybe add in 5/10 minutes of doing something you enjoy?

How can you spread kind to those in your day? Is it a smile? Hello? making a cup of tea/coffee? Taking 5 minutes to ask how someone is?

Our world can feel fast paced, one where we can be connected 24/7, overwhelm can be a state we can get stuck in….

When was the last time someone was kind to you?

How did it make you feel?

What was the impact of their kindness on you?

Kindness, is a game changer, it is life enhancing, it is calming, it allows you to have the capacity to be able to think outside of everyday, it changes your brain and how it works, kindness allows you to pause and make a difference…. make the time, take the time and change your world and as you do you enhance someone else’s too…

Wishing you a day where kindness flows from you, through you and to you!

Acceptance!

How different would your life feel if you believed, truly believed that you are enough just as you are?

We are constantly bombarded by media, to want more, to be more, to have more, to be different, slimmer, more toned, more, more more…….all this actually creates is a mindset of NOT ENOUGH!! This mindset is great for the companies that want us to buy their products, as we then believe if I have, buy, do, eat, take, use that product, I will become the person who feels happier with myself ~ as a therapist, woman, mother and human being, I have to come to know that no ONE thing that I purchase brings me contentment and happiness.

What does allow us more presence, happiness and moments of contentment, acceptance ~ acceptance of this moment just as it is, acceptance of who we are, where we are and doing, being exactly as we are.

We have the power to change and make new choices, but unless we accept where we are, we are always chasing the next moment believing it to be the moment that is to be happy!

Learning how to accept is to be present, to acknowledge all that is happening and work with it, to grow through, feel through, be through all that is, even if it is not how you want it or imagine it to be. You always have choices, some days are great, some good, some challenging and some are just days, but they are your days to live, to love and to accept. With acceptance we allow life to feel very different, we are not trying to escape the moment but be with it.

Take a moment and ask yourself;

How can I accept today for all that it is?

What will support me to be more present?

Then notice how your day feels!

Acceptance is a game changer………..

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Change…

‘an act or process through which we become different’

To change is a process and one that requires us to reflect and acknowledge where we are, where we want to be and the unknown journey in-between. Change is the only constant in life, but it actually goes against our neurobiology, our brain is a pattern matching organ, so it wants to repeat patterns. To change we have to work against ourselves, almost create internal conflict, in order to change we are breaking patterns of behaviour and beliefs, that in itself requires us to make it a conscious process.

Take a few minutes and ask yourself;

where would I want to make changes in my life?

what would those changes look like?

what is the first step in creating change? what beliefs hold me back?

what can I do on a daily basis to create the change?

how do I feel about making these changes?

what support do I need to commit to this process?

To create change it is important to know that there will be a lot of feelings that come up, because you are stepping out of your comfort zone and that in itself can feel overwhelming, daunting, scary because it is unknown and that in itself is a challenge for most people.

I am growing through change, it is unsettling to see what comes up. Having just written a book and waiting for it to be published I am aware that I will need to step up and be more visible, that for me is so deeply uncomfortable. My book is all about consciously raising teenagers whilst reparenting ourselves, it is something I am passionate about, growth, healing, mental and emotional wellbeing and yet the thought of standing up, being seen and sharing it, feels like a whole other me…so this evolving me, needs new courage, strength, huge changes along with new updated beliefs in order to be able to market my book, share my knowledge to make a difference.

We all have dreams and no how big or small they maybe, these dreams need us to change to be able to make them come true. It is so easy to tell ourselves all the reasons why things won’t work out, why life is difficult, to ruminate on the challenges and to overthink, all of this is self-sabotage and keeps us stuck. There lies the challenge, the opportunity to sink into the old patterns, the old beliefs all the reasons why not or to rise above, to get uncomfortable, to step in to the fear zone with courage and walk through to the learning zone….

WHAT DO YOU NEED TO BE ABLE TO TAKE THAT STEP INTO THE FEAR ZONE?

What dreams would you like to come true?

Short term ~ the next 6-12 months?

Medium term ~ the next 18-36 months?

Long term ~ 5 years+

Life is a journey and your journey needs you to reflect, invest time and energy in creating what it is you want to live.

Your changes and choices will impact your quality of life!