Love yourself?

We read a lot about self love and self care and we all know that it plays a pivotal role in our lives, it defines the quality of our relationship with ourself, which in turn sets the tone for our relationships with other.

Self love allows us to make the right choices for us whilst honouring and respecting others but knowing that we have to care for ourselves in order to make our lives work well, in order to THRIVE not just survive!

Where do we learn self love? How we were loved allows us to know, to feel love & that is dependent upon our parents quality of love & self love, so in reality most of us probably need to learn what ‘self love’ looks like on a personal level!

What feels loving to you?

When do you feel most cared for?

What is it you do that allows you to know you matter?

What do you do on a daily basis that says ‘I care about me!’

What could you tweak in your day to make space for you?

When will you start doing this?

If you were only allowed to choose one car to last all of your life, what would you choose? How would you look after it? What would you do to ensure it ran well & was fit for purpose?

Well you are given one body and one incredible brain & what do you do to look after it? ensure it works well for you?

How often do you take extra good care of you?

Do you sit down & reflect on what world make you feel calmer, healthier or more at ease in your life?

Do you know what would allow you to feel more comfortable in your skin, more trusting of your mind?

Please take some time whenever feels right for you & just ask yourself, what would make me feel more me today?

Allow yourself the time to know that self care is the foundation to self love & both mean taking time to ensure you look after you, mind, body & soul!

It is NOT personal…

I don’t know about you but I have in the past struggled with feeling deeply hurt by other peoples’ actions, lack of actions, their words or lack of words, what they say and they do not do, on so many occasions I have wondered what it was that I did for them to behave in that way, whether it was they let me down, forgot something important for me, didn’t reply to a text, or said one thing and did the opposite.

Along with my experiences I hear in therapy so many people deeply wounded by their parents, partners, friends, lovers and children and in every interaction there are two sides to the story and there is the each individual’s perception!

I have learned to understand that nothing anyone else does is because of me, the way someone treats, talks to or acts to me is ALL about who they are and is NOTHING to do with who I am!

The common theme in many experiences is that we accept people’s bad behaviour and insults more readily than we experience the great and good in relationships, the compliments, is it not time to accentuate the good stuff and learn from and to let go of the ‘stuff’ that is not ours to own!

When we take a moment and stop and look at the situation, the person’s behaviour, we can recognise the truth, our truth in the situation.

Maybe we can even accept that if we love and care for this person we can find the courage to be real and talk with them;

how it is for them ~ what is going on for them that they behaved in this way

explain how it felt for you and what it meant to you

together find a way through to learn from the situation

When we get hurt due to someone else it is for us to resolve our pain, to look within and ask ourselves;

What is the story I am telling myself?

How does it feel to be here, victim or victor? bitter or tender? negative or positive? Pessimistic or hopeful? resentful or resolving?

What would make me feel different?

How could I let go, learn and grow from this situation?

How can I create a new attitude?

We always have a choice, even if at first it doesn’t feel like it, every experience can allow us growth if we choose to create it!

How can you change your story to support you to heal and grow?

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Live from love or fear?

Do you live from a place of love and trust or fear and catastrophe?

As children we are taught unconsciously by our parents to trust the world and all within it or to be fearful of everything around us, this impact the quality our thoughts, which is turn dictates the ease of our life.

Many people are taught that the world is a scary place and that the worst will happen and so they are programmed to live from a place of fear, worry, anxiety, stress and attempt to overthink everything in order to be prepared for the ‘worst case.’ However the worst case that has been imagined very rarely happens, in fact take a moment right now and think about all the worries you have invested hours of your life thinking about…

Did they ever come true?

Did your worrying help you to navigate a way through?

Do you live from a place of fear, attempting to think through all of the ‘what if’s?’

Does living from this place of worst case thinking make your life easier?

Once we start overthinking everything, once we have trained our mind to misuse our imagination, we are then stuck in the habit, our brain is now neurochemically addicted to living from a place of ‘high stress,’ fear. In order to break the pattern we have to practise calm, we have to start the process of talking to ourselves and being honest about what we are thinking, challenge our thoughts….

is this really a good way to think?

is this thought helping me to feel good?

is my brain just behaving ‘habitually’ if so time to create a new habit!

It is up to you to recognise the role of your thought and how they impact the quality of your life.

Take a moment, maybe read out loud and ask yourself love or fear?

Fear tells you to hide your true self

Love tells you to stand up and shine

Fear wants perfection

Love is perfectly imperfect

Fear tells you being right is the way to stay safe

Love knows that safety is an illusion

Fear argues for your limitations

Love takes a stand for your greatness

Fear wants more

Love knows there is always enough

Fear thinks pain is a weakness

Love sees pain as an opening

Fear wants guarantees

Love TRUSTS

Fear tells you to protect yourself

Love tells you to be vulnerable and open

Fear wants to know why? when? how? what if?

Love allows

Fear wants to confine

Love wants to let go

Fear wants to hold on

Love wants to surrender

Fear wants to be wanted

Love knows it is

Fear judges

Love accepts

Fear tells you to sacrifice

LOVE reminds you it is a GIFT..

“Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.’ Winston Churchill

Being aware of what emotion our thoughts start from love or fear, allows us to notice our beliefs and attitudes, when we pay attention to these, we can then create a growth mindset. Challenging our thoughts creates more open mindedness and then we allow ourselves the gift of the ability to change, heal, evolve and ‘become’ more of our true selves!

Life changes?

Each and everyone of us has been through numerous life changes, some good, some bad, some traumatic, some we have chosen, some we have had no power over but all of them have impacted how we who we are!

We have all managed to survive these experiences, perhaps changed because of them, maybe we choose to change or maybe the experience changed us and we are still living with the behaviours we created to cope, to survive!

When we are hit with huge change, the impact can be far reaching, it can impact our mental health, the way we think, being thrown into chaos, the unknown, can create worry, fear, overthinking, anxiety and stress, our brain goes into the ‘flight, fight or freeze response’ to cope! Far to often we then stay in this place, the apprehension, disconnection, or maybe overcompensating can stay with us, we have now created a habit that is hard to break and our coping mechanism becomes our daily place of mental living! It is like getting stuck on a roundabout and never choosing the exit off!

Change goes against human nature, we love patterns, we are creatures of habits, our brain is a pattern matching organ and it feels ‘safe’ repeating what we do. Even though many of our mental habits are limiting and hold us back!

We can allow life changes to blow our life apart to create room for the unexpected, the new and a different way to be or maybe live. These times of change require us to dig deep, to build resilience and to walk through the fear, with courage and create change from the changes. There is no courage without fear.

I lost my first child late in pregnancy, close to his due date and it was both heartbreaking and life changing, somewhere deep in me as I witnessed the smallest coffin being placed into the ground, I knew that I had two choices, bury myself under the pain or find that part within me to create change as his legacy! It was a messy process, full of heartbreak but it was life changing, I retrained, I moved out of the city, I ditched habits that held me back and I invested in creating a new me. 19 years on he is my game changer, he allowed me to dig deep and to find that part of me that was buried under ‘safe’ and patterns of limiting habits!

We can therefore allow the pain of change to change us, to grow through and from the experiences, we can become more than we ever imagined and realise that by fearing change we fear growth and the very essence of life.

Whether it is a relationship breakup, a job loss, a death, friendship betrayal, chronic illness or diagnosis, whatever the change, you can create changes within to support you.

Take a few minutes and just reflect;

How do you feel about change?

What do you need to support you through change?

What have you been taught about change from your family?

Who is a good person to talk through your feelings, thoughts with?

Can you learn to share your feelings, to get more support, what would be step 1?

What changes in your life would make you feel more alive?

What is holding you back?